Random Emailing
by SeddieLUV
Summary: Oh, Freddork. In this Seddie relationship, you are SO the girl. :D I'd call you...but I can't stand your face. So we'll email. Deal with it. Seddie
1. Chapter 1: The Reasons I hate You

Chapter 1: The Reasons I Hate You

**Mon. February 7****th**

**6:17 P.M.**

**From: SamluvzHam**

**To: Fredtech57**

**Subject: The Reasons I Hate You**

**Hey, Fredface. You're probably wondering why I'm emailing **_**you**_**, of all people. Well, you're certainly not my first choice as a friend. But don't feel too bad. When it comes to merciless mockery and beating you up, you'll always have a special place in my heart. :)**

**Anyway, back to the **_**real**_** reason I'm typing this message. I just got back from my three hour long meeting with my therapist, Dr. Hindu. He's been helping me deal with some…. tough issues. You may have already heard, but-it pains me deeply to say this-I've recently given up eating every hour. Ted, oops, I mean Principal Franklin *wink* says it's "unhealthy" and "disturbing" for me to eat so much. But he's overreacting. Just for the record, I only consume 5,000 calories a day! I know, I've cut back from the usual 7,000. That's progress…right?**

**So today he decided we'd try a few new exercises he heard about while researching how to be a child psychologist on Google (He's not a real psychologist, he just likes to pretend to be). **

**And guess what that nub is making me do? Yeah, write a letter to someone I hate, expressing my "feelings and "emotions". As if. **

**But, since I have the attention span of a squirrel (according to Dr. Hindu), I could never sit down and write a letter. Especially to you, Freddork. Offense intended, BTW. **

**That's why I'm emailing you instead. Dr. Hindu (I never get tired of saying that!) suggested I make a list of all the things I DON'T like about you. So here it goes:**

**Fredward is a dumb name. What, did your mom think that Edward from Twilight wasn't cool enough or something? Just wondering. **

**You always wear STRIPES. Do you do this because you're a fan of stripes, or to get a rise out of me? Either way, knock it off. Please. Or I'll hurt you. :D **

**You only speak "tech nerd". Dude, learn English already! Or maybe French so I would never know what you're saying and it would be less annoying… no wait, forget that idea. I hate French people. Ugh. **

**Your face. It's always there, every time I look at you. Which, come to think of it, is a lot lately. Are you stalking me or something, Benson?**

**I'm going to stop here, B cuz if I kept going, you'd probably issue a restraining order against me for this next reason. **

**Well, that felt good. Huh. Maybe you really don't need a degree to be a psychologer or whatever they're called. But don't tell Principal Franklin about my therapist. He'll make me see a "real" therapist, or worse, the school counselor, Mr. Warner. Excuse me while I go puke over that thought.**

**Ok, Dr. Hindu said I should also make a list of all the things I DO like about you. But the problem is, I can't think of any. **

**Not. **

**A.**

**Single.**

**One.**

**So, yeah. I'm just gonna skip that part and move on. Ok? ;)**

**Well, It's finally time to wrap this chiz up (thank ham). My mom is screaming at me to go give Frothy a bath. This might take a while. Oh yeah, did I tell you I set a new record for bathing that adorable little rabid fur ball? I can now wash and dry him in just four hours! New personal best for Mama. **

**Ok, confession time: The point of this exercise is to write the letter (or email) and then "NOT send it. But what good does that do? That's just a waste of paper! So I am definitely sending it.**

**P.S. What happened last night? Dude, I deserve to know! Don't bother denying it Benson, Gibby finally caved in and admitted that there was something going on… all it took was a Texas wedgie and the promise of a dead fish delivered to his locker on Tues. morning…. (not gonna happen).**

**Later, Frednerd. (Please do not reply to this email, I beg you.)**

**-Sam**

_Mon. February 7__th_

_7:24 P.M._

_To: SamluvzHam_

_From: Fredtech57_

_Subject: Re: The Reasons I Hate You_

_Yo, Puckett. What up? I know you asked me not to E you back, but I just couldn't resist. I read the email and I have a few comments to make._

_First of all, I'd just like to say thank you. It means so much to me that you get a thrill out of using me as a personal punching bag (that was sarcasm, FYI). But there's no point in asking you to stop because I bet you're saving A TON of money by not going to the gym all the time to take your anger out there. Glad I could help. Sort of. _

_Second of all, does it seriously take three hours for you to meet with a therapist? You must have a lot of chiz to talk about. I bet you were pouring your heart out about how much U luv me. LOL, JK. Actually, I bet I only took up an hour of your time. I'm not actually surprised you're going to one, as women are thirty seven% more likely to go to one than men._

_Thirdly, about the whole cutting back on food thing? No comment. I value my arms too much. _

_Um, why are you going to a fake psychologist? If the guy gets his info on Google, you'd be better of spending three hours asking a hobo for guidance._

_Um, how does Dr .Hindu know the attention span of squirrels? I wasn't aware it had ever been scientifically proven._

_I'd also like to address that list you made about me. Here are my responses:_

_My name has nothing to do with Edward, or Jacob, for that matter. I don't know why you even- SAM! It was you who taped those pictures around the school of me with fake fangs and glowing red eyes that you edited on wasn't it? I have only myself to blame, I suppose. I never should have shown you how to do that. GRRR. _

_My habit of wearing stripes frequently has nothing to do with your hatred of them. Except for that one time when we were on a date…. except that might've been Melanie. Will someone plz explain the whole twin thing to me? I'm still confused! Ugh, I'm getting a migraine. Next topic. _

_FYI, the AV club is a very prestigious, elite club of guys who have a very strong passion for technology. We are all very handsome guys…except for Germy. Only a few of them are awkwardly social! And BTW, I'm learning Spanish as a second language. I can't wait to insult you in a foreign language without getting ripped to shreds like that sandwich you ate for lunch last week. I still have nightmares about it. Just to let ya know. *sighs* Moving on now. _

_Yes, Sam. My face is and always will be in front of you. No, I'm not stalking you! Why would you even consider that? Everyone knows I'm in love with Carly! Just to prove it: She just walked in her front door five seconds ago. Oh, oops…. why did my laptop pick today to have a backspace glitch? I'm not spying on her or anything!_

_About the whole restraining order? I'm gonna try and forget about that cuz ur probably right…._

_I can think of a few very good reasons why I am important to you, regardless of what you think. But I know telling you would only make you smash your computer with a hammer so I'll spare you. This time. _

_I hope you realize that this is a good alternative to just giving me a black eye the next time you're upset. We should make this emailing thing a habit! Plz consider it. My face and I would appreciate it. _

_Just one more thing before I click send… Dr. Hindu is absolutely right about the whole NOT sending it part. The result of seeing all your flaws can make a person very emotionally unstable and scarred for life. Not that I have issues with that or anything. Clearly. _

_Uh… I hear my mom calling me… time for another tick bath. : / _

_Until next time, Freddie A.K.A. "dead Fred", because after sending this to you, I probably won't live to tomorrow morning._

_Um, you're wondering about last night, and you're right. I know you have a right to know. I'll explain everything in my next email…._

_-Freddie B._

Review this! I am officially a Seddie fan now!


	2. Chapter 2: Hugs and Disses

_Chapter 2: Hugs and Disses_

_Tues. February 14__th_

_2:49 P.M._

_From: Fredtech57_

_To: SamluvzHam_

_Subject: Hugs and Disses_

_Hey, Sammie. Happy Valentine's Day! In honor of this romantic holiday, I've written you a little poem below. Please try to refrain from killing me in a slow and painful way after reading it. Remember, I brought you that heart shaped box of Swiss chocolates! _

_Dear Sam,_

_I wish your desire for me was like your love of meat, passionate and impossible to defeat. _

_I'd love to count every beautiful blond hair on your head, but I'm sure you'd just yank mine out instead. _

_You're a gift from the heavens, an angel sent from above,_

_Do angels always express nothing but tough love? _

_The physical pain you never fail to inflict, is nothing compared to the ordeal my heart goes through after one of your many tricks. _

_My affection for you is as constant as the bruises that you've caused, always forcing me to repent_

_My heart yearns for you to feel the same way, or at least to some extent. _

_Ok, I hope you didn't hate that poem too much. But before I log off for today, I have one more thing to do. After all, no sappy love poem is complete without follow-up random facts! Here it is: _

_The average Swiss eats 23 pounds of chocolate per year(almost as much as you eat per month)_

_Did you know that Cupid (the winged baby who flies around in a diaper shooting arrows into people's butts) means "desire" in Latin?_

_Did you know that 50% of men and women admit to cheating on their girlfriend at some point in their lives? _

_Did you know that Carly's real name is Carlotta? Just wondering. _

_Did you know that Odontophobia is the fear of teeth? (I had that for a week after you bit my finger at lunch last month)_

_Well, that's all for now. Ok, I know I've been avoiding this subject so here it is: What happened a week ago. You want the truth? I'll tell you, just plz don't torture Gibby anymore. He's really a fragile and sensitive guy, despite his strange desire to be shirtless. _

_Well, Sam, this is the truth: you saw me leaving your house and wanted to know why, right? Well, I know I told you that I was just looking for Carly, but that's a lie. The truth is, I was measuring what size ring you wear._

_Yes, that mysterious heart shaped ring with the Topaz gemstone in the center (your birthstone) is from me. Think of it as a symbol of our love. I know you probably want to have no part of me after this, but I had to let my feelings for you be known._

_P.S. If you're gonna beat me up, can you do it tomorrow after school at around three-ish? I've got an orthodontist appointment at four, and it would be much easier if I could get any teeth repaired after you've knocked them out._

_Your personal Cupid, _

_Fredward_

**Wed. February 15****th**

**5:08 A.M.**

**From: SamluvzHam**

**To: Fredtech57**

**Subject: Re: Hugs and Disses**

**Wow, Fredward. I thought we agreed we weren't gonna E each other again! Boy, you just don't listen. **

**Ok, I feel like I owe you an apology. (Don't get used to it, this is a onetime thing, like when a girl **_**willingly**_** dates you) ;)**

**The reason I'm just now replying to you email at five in the morning is because I spent the whole night in the ER with the pizza delivery guy. Yeah, you heard me.**

**All I wanted was to order a simple cheese pizza, which is what I did. But Pizza hut said they didn't deliver pizza at 3 A.M. and chiz. Ugh. **

**So I spent an hour arguing with the manager, who finally agreed to send a guy over after I threatened to- um, never mind. It's probably best you don't know. **

**So the guy finally arrived 59 minutes later. Yeah, 59! One more minute and my pizza would've been FREE. This just proves my theory that pizza companies are a conspiracy. No more business from me! You'd think they'd be a little nicer to the girl who keeps them in business! Seriously, I order five extra large pizzas on average per day. **

**So I left the door open while I went to fetch some cash to pay the guy (notice ten bucks missing from your wallet yet?) and when I got back, they guy was screaming his head off. Turns out Frothy had gotten out and attacked the pizza guy while I was gone.**

**So instead of paying for a nice hot cheesy pizza, I had to pay the guy's medical bills while he was treated for "serious facial injuries" and plastic surgery. Well, it's really his fault. I mean, everyone knows that Frothy tends to have spaz attacks every now and then… or all the time. And I still didn't get my pizza!**

**On that happy note, I'd like to address that little poem you wrote me. First of all, Aww. That's so sweet, Fredweina. Your girly side is finally coming out. LOL. **

**But seriously, thank you. I've been so worried about mom that it's nice to forget about it and laugh hysterically until I start to cry. (You're just that funny.) :D**

**Oh, I also have a few things to say about your more-than-random facts. Ahem: **

**You're so right about the Swiss chocolate. Those Swiss-esians or whatever the chiz those nubs R called, think that a measly 23 lbs. per **_**year**_** is impressive? Ha! BTW, those chocolates you have me were really good! It almost makes me wanna kiss you! Yeah, but I won't. Yet. ;)**

**Um, why are you telling me about some fat baby playing matchmaker? That's just wrong. Who cares if Cupid means "desire" in Latin? I desire fish sticks, but do you see me telling people how to say that in Latin? Um, no. If you ask me, Cupid is just a stuck-up toddler. (But while we're on the subject, I'd **_**love **_**to see you in a diaper.)**

**Um, 50 % is a lot… that's really all I have to say on the subject. Moving on now. **

**Of course I know Carly's real name! I'm her best friend! Honestly, Freduccini, you're beginning to sound like Dr. Hindu (remember him?) He says I have trouble remembering anything that's not food related. What's his point? I see no problem with that. If you're smart, neither will you, if you know what I mean. ;)**

**It's not really my fault I gave you Odontophobia. I'm sorry I bit your finger, but I was trying to bite the sandwich in your hands. Your hand just happened to be in the way. **

**Finally! The truth comes out. So that's why I couldn't find the ring Carls gave me for my birthday. Honestly, Fredward. I'm not gonna bite you (again) or anything. I swear. Cross my heart and hope to fly (like cupid). I'm actually relieved. The one Carly gave me was so lame, but I didn't have the heart to tell her. **

**Now I have an excuse to wear a different one! Hallelujah! Maybe you're not completely useless after all, Fredward. Maybe. **

**Ok, I've gotta log off now. It's time to go harass Gibby again. I know you and Carly said not to, but since when do I listen to anything you say? You're not the boss of me.**

**Love/hate always,**

**-Sammie**

_Fri. February 17__th_

_8:33 P.M._

To: Fredtech57

From: iMissPriss

Subject: Sam's mom! Urgent!

Hey, Freddie. I'm just emailing to let you know that Sam's mom just had a heart attack. Spencer and I are about to go to the ER and hopefully find out more. I'll email you again once I talk to Sam and get some details. Try not to worry and cross your fingers. I know you'll be praying for Sam too.

Remain hopeful,

-Carly

**I would like to thank everyone who reviewed ch. 1 of Random Emailing! Keep it up people! Those reviews are my inspiration. Ya'll are the best! Review this! **


	3. Chapter 3: Bra Brawls

Chapter 3: Bra Brawls

Sat. February 21st

10:57 A.M.

From: iMissPriss

To: SamluvzHam; Fredtech57; Gibster_4

Subject: Bra Brawls

Attention all members of iCarly and temporary intern (that's you, Gib)! Guess what angry pepto pink bra is in our iCarly studio at this very moment? Yeah, George!

But he's not alone either. Sombrario (cute new Italian bra) is with him and they're arguing over who's better! I need you three to meet me my place ASAP! We've got to stop this before they start getting aggressive.  
P.S. Sam, we'll need you to intervene if things get ugly. Be prepared, just saying.

P.P.S. Can bras get physically aggressive? I mean, they're _bras_. Whatever, just hurry!

-Carly S.

**Sat. February 21****st**

**11:00 A.M.**

**From: SamluvzHam**

**To: iMissPriss**

**Subject: Re: Bra Brawls**

**Whoa, calm down Carly girl. Two bras goin' at it isn't the worst thing that's ever happened on iCarly. Remember the guy with the bathtub full of eggs? I do *shudders* **

**On the bright side, my mom is in the ICU! That's a good thing right? I'm not familiar with hospital "lingo" so I dunno. **

**Anyway, I'll be right over as soon as I get some food. FYI, hospital food is HORRIBLE! Are they trying to poison me so I'll be forced to receive treatment from them? OMG hospitals are brilliant! And also devious… **

**I'll email you in a min. to let ya know I'm on my way. **

**Hungry but Hopeful,**

**Sammie**

_Sat. February 21__st_

_11:02 A.M._

_From: Fredtech57_

_To: iMissPriss_

_Subject: Re: Bra Brawls_

_George is back? I thought he was arrested for stealing toilet paper and selling it… to minors! Aw man, he must still be angry that we fired him and replaced him with Sombrario! I'm on my way!  
Well, if they do start a fight, at least they came prepared. They've got all that padding so I bet it won't hurt… LOL_

_Ok, plz excuse my lame joke,_

_Fred_

Sat. February 21st

11:08 A.M.

From: Gibster_4

To: iMissPriss

Subject: B-Day 

Hey, quick question: Is it normal for a guy to use "Happy Birthday!" as a catchphrase? I don't of course, but Guppy _does, _unfortunately. 

How do I make him stop! I've been trying to show him the appeal of taking your shirt off instead, but he refuses to listen. 

It's not even my birthday! Man, I'm so glad I'm normal. Sometimes I worry about that little guy. 

P.S. Is Guppy a cool name? I mean, Gibby is cool for sure, but what about Guppy? 

Remaining shirtless,

Gibbster

Sat. February 21st

11: 17 A.M.

From: iMissPriss

To: Gibster_4

Subject: What's the matter with you?

Um, Gibby? I'd just like to point out that Guppy's catchphrase has nothing to do with George and Sombrario. Why would you even ask me that?

Get over to the studio now! (please?)

P.S. Why is your username Gibster_4? Is there really three other Gibbys in the world? I wasn't aware Gibby was such a popular nickname.

P.P.S Have you heard about Sam's mom yet? I'll text ya later :(

Stay shirtless, Gib!

-Carlotta

Sat. February 21st

11:38 A.M.

From: iMissPriss

To: SamluvzHam

Subject: ICU Blues

Sammie? Don't shoot the messenger, but if your mom is in the ICU, it's NOT A GOOD THING!

Freddie, Gibby, Spencer, and I are all praying for your mom. Try not to worry. *Sighs* I know lack of food won't help that, so I'm having Gibby bring over a twenty dollar bill from me. Buy yourself a piece of pizza or something! I know you won't disappoint ;)

Plz send more updates on your mom later,

-Carly

_Sat. February 21__st_

_1:40 P.M._

_From: Fredtech57_

_To:iMissPriss_

_Subject: Averted Bra Brawl_

_Ok, I managed to keep the peace between George and Sombrario. Don't be too upset, but I told George he could have an internship like Gibby does. _

_I also promised him *groan* that he could tell one of his lame ghost stories every now and then, just to keep him happy. He and Sombrario floated off together with mentions of GM (Groovy Smoothie) so no telling when they'll be back._

_Any word from Sam and her mom's condition yet?_

_Keep me posted,_

_-Freddie_

**Sat. February 21****st**

**9:44 P.M.**

**From: SamluvzHam**

**To: iMiss Priss; Fredtech57**

**Subject: Mom and Fried Chicken **

**Hey, Carls, Freddork. Miss me? Of course ya did. Ok, I know you're both concerned with everything that's happened recently, so here it is:**

**My mom's condition is worsening. The doctors say there is a **_**chance**_** she might recover though! I remain hopeful. My mom may not feed me, but she does keep my life interesting. So keep your fingers and toes (and all other parts of you) crossed!**

**Carly, I spent your twenty dollar bill today on a large bucket of fried chicken. But, with my recent change of luck, a hobo stole it! :(**

**So will you two maybe pay me a visit? I'm seriously starting to question my sanity in this nut joint. Plz! See? I'm so freaked out, I'm even asking nicely! I'm so disgusted with myself. **

**Oops, gotta go. The doctors just got an update on mom! Time to find out if she's gonna pull through or not. :D**

**Wow, do doctors always look so serious? Ugh, those nubs. **

**Hang on, one sec.**

**Ok, I'm back!**

**Plz email me back soon. I've got good and bad news. You both need to hear this.**

Please review this! Pretty please with a Seddie on top! :D


	4. Chapter 4: No More Smoothies

**February Wed. 28****th**

**From: SamluvzHam**

**To:Fredtech57**

**Subject: No more smoothies**

**Hey, Freddork! Wutz up? I bet you're doing homework or something equally nerdy, right? Probably wishing you were with you little AV club buddies, talking about how you'll never get a date. Sorry, but the truth had to be spoken. **

**Anyway, guess what? You'll probably be really mad at me after I tell you this little story, but I'm not worried. I know you could never beat me up. Oh, that reminds me. What, did you not fully complete puberty or something? Your voice got deeper, I'll give you that, but you didn't get stronger **_**at all.**_** LOL.**

**So back to my story: This happened today after school BTW. I just wanted a bacon flavored smoothie, but T-Bo (that guy's a nub) said he had never even heard of one! How lame is that? I kindly (sorta) asked him to please work on a new recipe for one and ya know what chiz came out of his mouth? NO. I know, right? NUB! He'll be getting a visit from Samantha Puckett tonight in his dreams….**

**So anyway, I was so mad at him, I punched him in the face. Then I hurled a banana at his eye right where I punched it. Well, you of all people know I can sometimes underestimate my throwing strength. (Remember when I threw a muffin at you right before we went sky diving with possums and kidnapped by crazy Japanese comedians? Ah, good times.**

**Well, T-Bo fell backwards into his blender, banging his head on the glass and knocking himself unconscious. And get this: When he fell against his blender, he turned the thing on! So the smoothie (it was papaya *shudders*) flew everywhere. All. Over. Me. Yeah. **

**So I had to go home and change my clothes because FYI papaya is extremely sticky. Well, I know the right thing would've been to call 9-1-1 for T-Bo, but I was upset and smoothieless (without a smoothie) so I just stole all the money in the cash register, left a note saying you did it, and left him there. He'll wake up eventually, right? Well if he doesn't, I guess you'll be framed for accidental man slaughter. :D But the most important thing is that there won't be smoothies for a while. Way to go, Benson. **

**Well, I know you wanna hear updates on mommy dearest, so here it is: She's very comfortable in her pine coffin. I think. **

**Yeah, she died. But I'm not complaining. That woman was driving me crazy. She was always going, "Why can't you be more like Melanie", or, "Go make Frothy get a job!" No idea where that came from.**

**Anyway, guess what else. I'm sure you'll be **_**thrilled**_** to hear this. I'm moving in with you! Yeah, Carly says I can't stay with her after the last time… so brace yourself, Roomie!**

**Love/Hate always,**

**-Sam**

_February, Wed. 28__th_

_From: Fredtech57_

_To: SamluvzHam_

_Subject: Re: No more smoothies_

_First of all, WHY WOULD YOU FRAME ME? That felt good. Maybe later I'll go scream at a hobo or something. It's a pretty good way to channel my anger. :D_

_Oh, please tell me you are just trying to get me to fall for your little prank. I'll even admit it: I'm Freddie Benson: The Most Gullible Boy In America! Get Tickets today!_

_Yeah, but I know you aren't. Sorry about your mom. I hope it's a comforting thought for you to know that she's now driving all the angels crazy. Someday, you will follow in her footsteps. _

_Well, I just asked my mom and she confirmed it. You're moving in. I really hope I can survive the next few months. If not, I'll never live my dream of marrying you. How will you become Samantha Benson if I'm not breathing? I guess the funeral could be a romantic place for a wedding…. Your wedding dress could be black, and we'd save A TON of money if we can get a discount. Maybe the caterers will feel sorry for my death… or you could just slap them into seeing it our way. Either one works. _

_Well, gotta go. Mom says I have to clean up my room for you since you're our long term "guest". Well you may be a guest, but when it comes to you, I will always detest. (JK it rhymed and stuff) I'm gonna shut up now._

_Oh no. The doorbell just rang! Here come the nightmares._

_I guess we won't need to email anymore since you'll be living with me. It was fun while it lasted, though._

_-Freddie A.K.A "Dead Fred"_

**Should I continue making new chapters? If I get more good reviews, I certainly will. So, should I? The fate of this story is in your hands!**


	5. Chapter 5: The Protection of Nug Nug

**Chapter 5: The Protection of Nug Nug**

_Thurs. March 3__rd_

_7:12 P.M._

_From: Fredtech57_

_To: SamluvzHam_

_Subject: The Protection of Nug Nug_

_Hola, Seniorita Puckett. Wondering where I am right now? My bathroom! That's right, I've locked myself in here so you can't harm me. It's only been two weeks since you moved in, and you're already stealing all the food?_

_Well, good luck getting your hands on the HAM. I grabbed all of it from the fridge and came in here. Yes. I will sit here until it has become moldy rotten meat that even your stomach can't digest. I've finally won this round, Sam. Score one for Freddie._

_BTW, I took the last can of Peppy cola too. I hope you don't mind…but I know you do mind, very much actually. It brings me great joy to know my revenge is working. :) _

_Do you want to know why this plan of revenge is so brilliant? It's because I'm untouchable. I know you could break down the locked door with just your bare hands and your strong and passionate love of ham, but you won't. Wanna know why? Two words: Nug Nug. _

_Yeah, Nug Nug. The guy from the planet Zercon. Ah, I love Galaxy Wars. And now I have an even bigger reason to appreciate it. _

_You remember when Spencer got shocked by your locker trap, and had a vision of hugging Nug Nug in the Groovy Smoothie? Don't ask me what that was all about, it was his vision. _

_But then it came true! Spence and Nug Nug hugged affectionately for at least five seconds. And guess what else happened that day that no one else knew about until NOW?  
Nug Nug came up to me when he was done squeezing Spencer while I was in line for a smoothie! Fortunately, I had just come from a Galaxy Wars convention and was even dressed as Nug Nug!_

_Nug Nug told me that as a fellow member of the "force", the Protection of Nug Nug was now upon me. So I know for SURE that you won't be able to hurt me. I mean, Nug Nug is generally very reliable. _

_So take that, Puckett!_

_-Freddie A.K.A victim of Nug's Hug_

**Thurs. March 3****rd**

**7:18 P.M.**

**From: SamluvzHam**

**To: Fredtech57**

**Subject: Re: The Protection of Nug Nug**

**Frednerd, I hope you have the Lord on speed dial, because when I'm through with you you're only gonna have a couple seconds to live. Just remember, you brought this on yourself. **_**No one **_**steals Mama's ham and gets away with it. Not even deranged and nubby losers like you.**

**I'll give you another five minutes to unlock the bathroom door and surrender. Don't make this harder than it has to be, Fredlump. Just bring back the ham, and we can forget this ever happened.**

**Until tomorrow when I pummel you into a pulp. :D**

**Oh, and about your little "Nug Nug Protection" plan? YOU'RE THE NUBBIEST DORK I'VE EVER MET! NUG NUG ISN'T REAL, AND EVEN IF HE WAS? HE WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO SAVE YOU FROM **_**ME.**_** Just saying. **

**Dude, I swear if you let my ham rot slowly, then I will break your arm quickly. Nug Nug can't help you now. **

**Alright, I think I've been patient enough. Since you refuse to surrender, have it your way. The hard way it is then. **

**Last chance, Frednub. 5, 4, 3, 2….**

**Let the pain begin. **

**Well, I'm gonna log off now so I can hurt you the right way. Don't worry, I'm sure the body cast will come off in a couple years…maybe three. ;)**

**Oh, Fredward. I hope you don't stop trying to resist me anytime soon. This is just too dang much fun.**

**Lookin forward to doing this again,**

**-Sam (official Galaxy Wars hater)**

Have suggestions or comments? Leave a review! I'd love to hear it.

Reviews make my day!


	6. Chapter 6: Shakespeare Issues

Chapter 6: Shakespeare Issues

**Sun. February 27****th**

**7: 19 A.M.**

**From: SamluvzHam**

**To: Fredtech57**

**Yo-Dee-Yo! Oh, Fredface. You know I had to get revenge somehow after you ruined Mama's ham! I was really upset about that BTW. The nightmares are horrifying. But maybe that's just cuz YOU were in them. Ugh. **

**But let's focus on the revenge part of this email. It'll be much more fun. For me. Which is all I care about. :D**

**Guess what nub got the male lead in the school play this year? Hmmm… I don't remember…oh, wait. YOU! Yeah, that's right, Frednub. I personally signed you up. So now you're Romeo. But the revenge wouldn't be complete if I didn't tell you will be playing Juliet. So here's a hint:**

**She's blonde, hates everything about you, and loves ham. Figured it out yet? Well, your brain **_**is**_** slower than average, so no rush on that. **

**All I had to do was threaten to kill the drama teacher if she didn't make you and me the leads. That's legal, right? Eh. I've done worse things. **

**Why is everyone so obsessed with that Shakespeare guy, anyway? He's just a dude who wrote plays and said thee and thou a bunch, right? Ugh. History stresses me out. Dr. Hindu (yes, that fake Google therapist) was asking me the other day why I always take my anger out by beating people up. My answer was: Everyone is a nub. He didn't really have an answer for that.**

**But I'm starting to think that maybe I should find a different therapist. After our daily session yesterday I forgot my sandwich in his office. So I went back to get it, and saw him rocking back and forth in the corner, mumbling about chickens. He's got a chicken issue… **

**So now my revenge is complete. I'll see you onstage, Frederly. **

**P.S. Break a leg! That's a theatrical term I learned. Like it? **

**P.P.S Please try your hardest to actually break your leg. That would be so hilarious! We could even show it on iCarly so millions of people could watch you look chizzy. :D I'd sign your cast…**

**Where art thou Romeo? **

**-Sam P.**

_Sun. February 27__th_

_8: 34 A.M._

_From: Fredtech57_

_To: SamluvzHam_

_Sup, my blonde demon? Ya know, I really don't understand why we keep emailing each other. We live in the same house! I mean, I can literally see you eating a sandwich right now. It's not a pretty sight. _

_I would just like to say, you've ruined Galaxy Wars for me forever. Nug Nug didn't protect me! Everything I love in this world is a lie. _

_Oh, I know this will break your heart, but your little revenge didn't work. The truth is, I like Shakespeare. That guy is a genius. So I'm thrilled to be playing Romeo in the school play. Romeo and Juliet is a classic._

_You should really stop blackmailing teachers. That should be your new years' revolution. Mine is to finally kiss you. There. I said it. And my brain is not slower than average! It's just…smaller. The X-rays are lying! _

_The other little flaw in your revenge plan is actually not so little. I'm guessing you've never actually read Romeo and Juliet. The only books you've ever read is the Boogie Bear series. So I'm sure you'll be surprised to know that in the play, Romeo and Juliet KISS. Yes, actual lip-locking. Better pucker up, Puckett. I'm gonna enjoy this. _

_You still go to Dr, Hindu? That guy's not certified to be a child psychologist! He just Googles it! What part of that seems normal to you? And chicken issues…what did you do, eat his chicken noodle soup? You should definitely be on the market for a new therapist. But just so you know, I've got a little experience from dealing with my psycho mother… *hint* *hint* *wink* *wink*_

_Well, I've gotta go take another tick bath again. Do NOT watch this time. I cannot stress that enough. Not after last time…_

_P.S. You seem to forget that I actually DID break my leg. Or should I say, you did. I never knew a person could get so worked up over pork. But I'd be thrilled if you would sign my cast. Then I'd have two and a half signatures! Whoa, I'm popular. _

_P.S. Um, don't ask about the half signature. My hobo issues are not your concern. _

_P.P.S what is chiz anyway? I've heard rumors of a German sausage…_

_Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?_

_-Fredward_

**Reviews= faster updates! I've got a lot of ideas for twists and drama for this fanfic…**


	7. Author's Note

**A/N: Yo-Dee-Yo! Before you delete this, or face palm, READ THIS. **

**Most of you have already my latest chapter (Shakespeare Issues) and THANK YOU so much for all the reviews! So the problem is that I got a lot of reviews suggesting I make the play in actual story mode, not just emails. This could be fun, but this story is called Random **_**Emailing **_**for a reason. **

**So I'll leave it up to you: Should I make ****this chapter (****just this one) about the play a series of emails or more like a normal story? Leave a review and let me know! I promise I'll do whatever you guys want. **

**Chapter 7 (the real one) should be posted on Wednesday or Thursday! :)**


	8. Chapter 7: Romeo and Chiz

Disclaimer: iCarly isn't mine….so I'm gonna go rock back and forth in a corner. Later!

**Chapter 7: Romeo and Chiz (Part 1)**

**Wednesday, March 2****nd**

**6:30 P.M.**

**To: Fredtech57**

**From: SamluvzHam**

**Subject: YOU, Fredlump **

**Hey Fredward, how's it hangin? I really don't care, so please don't tell me. I just thought I see how being nice felt for a change. I hate it. Already I'm getting this uncomfortable feeling just **_**thinking**_** about you so…yeah. **

**Before you do, don't say it. Don't think about it; don't even **_**smell**_** the words 'told ya so'. I mean, unless you really wanna. But I would save that for when you're ready to die. So if you are, please let me know in advance so I can send some flowers to Carly and ur mother…if I can afford it. Do flower shops take pity on you if you're mourning the loss of someone? (I'd actually be cheering and gaining happiness if you died). Hope that puts a smile on ur face!**

**So anyway, I'm feeling pretty lamesauce about my revenge backfiring like that. Oh, and this is 100% YOUR fault, Benson! I'm not sure how exactly, but it's always your fault somehow. Seriously, how was I supposed to that you and I-it's too painful to say it (or type) so I'll just spell it out- would have to *vomit* K.I.S.S.? **

**I couldn't help but notice that you didn't seem too upset by this though. What, so now I don't even get the satisfaction of knowing you'll hate tasting my bacon flavored lips? Ugh. What a chizzy world we live in. **

**So what's the best way for me to feel better about myself? C'mon, Frederly…you of all nubs should know the answer…**

**Beat up a dork! I find it's a great stress reliever, and it's waaaay more fun than just squeezing a stupid stress ball. This way, I get to take out my anger and be semi-pleasant to be around, and you get to see me! Well, unless the black eye I'm gonna give ya makes seeing too hard. Mama doesn't really care about the details. **

**That being said, I guess I'd better go track you down. If only you were home…but you're not. You're probably hanging out with your A.V. club nerd friends. I'm too lazy (duh!) to wait until you get back, so I'll just steal the last can of Peppy Cola out of the fridge and be on my way. ;)**

**P.S. Do you have any idea why there's a hobo in our fridge? He asked me to please let him out, but I didn't feel like it, so I just left him there. If he doesn't die of frostbite first, let him out later, will ya? Or never. Hobos don't have much value anyway. **

**Later, Freddork!**

_Wednesday, March 2__nd_

_7: 12 P.M._

_To: SamluvzHam_

_From: Fredtech57_

_Subject: Re: YOU, Fredlump_

_You know, some people actually do care whether or not I'm "hangin" well. So just to irritate you (like Frothy's fleas) I'm gonna tell ya:_

_I'm. Doing. Fine._

_There, I said it. Wow, that's a weight off my chest. Sadly, I'm still lacking muscles and strength in that are. And I've read chapter 2 of the puberty book: From Boys to Men six times! What am I doing wrong? *Sigh* _

_I know, I know. You're upset cuz we gotta kiss in the play tonight. So I won't say 'I told you so'. I won't even think about it…and how can a person smell words? Oh, and, just for the record, there are a lot worse things. For example:_

_Getting hit by a Mexican food truck (been there, done that)_

_Looking the face of evil in the eye (Your eyes are REALLY blue… *wink*)_

_Spencer forgetting how to make Spaghetti tacos (That would only happen if you hit him over the head with a two feet long meat stick or something…got any of those lying around? I'm scared to know the answer)_

_Hearing one of Nevel's poems (Remember last week when we convinced him to read "My Pescetarian Princess on iCarly? Then Gibby hit him in the head with meatloaf…._

_So…there you go. Those are a few worse things than your revenge backfiring epically on you. And um…don't worry. If I really do ever feel like committing suicide by Sam, then I'll let you know. I think a week before is a good heads up. Oh, and you should probably go rob a bank or something, cuz yes, flowers are VERY expensive._

_I actually do wanna kiss you. I've always wondered what'd it be like. Thanks for describing it with so much detail… 'bacon flavored' really helps. Good thing I like pork! But not like you do. I think you're the only one in the world who'd sell your mother's wedding ring just for a strip of turkey bacon. Oops, that was supposed to be a secret…_

_Have fun tracking me down. But even if you can't find me, I'll see you at the play. I'm dreading the actual thing, cuz rehearsal didn't go so well. You never showed up for practice EVER, and now I'm thinking this might not have been our best idea. But oh well. At least I get to kiss you. _

_P.S. I thought that just for milk and tickles, I'd post a famous quote from Romeo and Juliet below. Does this seem familiar to you?_

_-My only love sprung from my only hate! Too early seen unknown, and known too late!-_

_I hope it's not too late for us…_

**A/N: Sort of a cliffy…the next chapter will address all of that in part 2! I hope you guys liked this, thx to all who reviewed. DON'T STOP! I cannot stress that enough. **


	9. Chapter 8: Fried Therapists

Chapter 8: Fried Therapists

**Saturday, March 5****th**

**12: 43 A.M.**

**To: Fredtech57**

**From: SamluvzHam**

**Subject: Fried therapists **

**Sup, Frederly? Miss emailing with me? Yeah, well, I haven't. A week is just not long enough for me to forget what your face looks like. I *shudder* probably never will. You've scarred me for life. **

**Well, after we kissed several times in the play, I needed a break from you. The only good part about Romeo and Juliet was that you ended up dying! Except…so did I. :(**

**So I'd like to take my mind off that horrible evening. Guess who went to the rodeo yesterday? Me! It was sooo awesome. I know, I know, cowboys and pig races aren't my "thing". But have you tried the food lately? I actually passed out for a couple seconds when I saw it all…**

**They have fried EVERYTHING! Fried snickers bars, fried moon pies, fried shrimp on a stick (maybe I should mention that one to T-Bo), fried brownies, and even pulled pork sundaes! If only they had fried Freddies…**

**So the food was definitely the best part. The worst part was when a hobo came up to me (I didn't know hobos could survive in the harsh rodeo atmosphere) and asked if I had a dollar. You know what I told him? "Fried Chiz off!" He didn't know how to respond to that. **

**You'll be happy to know that I've ditched my therapist Dr. Hindu. Yeah…he wasn't being much help anymore. His forgot to pay his internet bills and had no access to Google…and let's be honest, that was the only thing that saved that man from being a hobo himself. **

**So I went on to a website called TherapyThreak! I found several child psychologists who seemed very promising. But I'm not the best at making "good" decisions, so I'll let you decide:**

**John G. Kennedy- Hi, Sam! I'd love to be your therapist. Together we could make lovely fried chicken while talking about my problems.**

**Sir Rodrick- I'm **_**VERY**_** interested in helping you with your food-related issues. I think I could help you cut back on all the fried junk. All that stuff is unhealthy for you. I promise to keep our relationship business-like and professional. Contact me ASAP. Thank you. **

**Scotty- Howdy! I'd enjoy being your therapist. But we'd have to meet on Wednesdays and Thursday cuz I have rodeo training every other day. This professional clown may be running from bulls…but I won't run from your problems!**

**So that's the three offers I got. Frankly, John G. Kennedy scares the chiz out of me. Notice how he said HIS problems! He's got issues of his own. Also, does that name sound familiar to you? Hmm…**

**Sir Rodrick is more normal but…he sounds like a nub! 'fried food will give you a heart attack'. Meh. I want someone who'll help me think of ways to prank you, not help me! Duh!**

**Like I said, I'm not really impressed by the cowboy type. Oh, and clowns? Mama doesn't do clowns. He'd better be running FROM me if he contacts me again. **

**Well, those are the choices I'm considering. Whad'ya think, Freddork? LMK. **

_Saturday, March 5__th_

_1:12 P.M._

_To: SamluvzHam_

_From: Fredtech57_

_Subject: Re: Fried Therapists_

_I DID miss emailing you actually. My inbox was so empty and lonely without your insulting messages…but I can understand if you needed time to get used to Seddie. ;)_

_Um…how did you end up at the rodeo? We live in Seattle! I don't even wanna know actually. It's probably not legal, and I'd prefer to stay out of Juvy. Unless loving you is a crime. If it is, lead me away in handcuffs! Just in case I didn't make it clear in my other emails, I've developed feelings for you. Please don't let this be like Carly-unrequited love! Hate/love relationships are so much more interesting.*hint* hint*_

_I'm not at all surprised that out of everything at the rodeo, you immediately headed to the food. Fried snickers bars and pulled pork sundaes? Ugh. Who are these people? _

_You should be nicer to hobos. That's one of the things you should discuss with your therapist (if you ever get one). As to your possible Dr. Hindu replacements:_

_I've never heard of TherapyThreak. I know intelligence isn't your strongpoint, but when a site has the word Freak (even miss-spelled) in it, why would you even consider it? But you did. So…_

_John. G. Kennedy? Have you NEVER heard of John F. Kennedy? Um…G is the letter right after F! That's extremely creepy. And if he wants to talk about HIS problems, how does that help you? I would just decline his offer. Don't be drawn in by the fried chicken! The chicken is a lie!_

_Go with Sir Rodrick! He was actually born with a normal brain! He'd actually help you. So that's my advice: Sir Rodrick! The others are just…I'm gonna move on now._

_Well, let me know when you make your final decision._

_P.S. I would not enjoy being deep-fried in a vat of fat and oil. :D_

_Forever your boy toy, Fredward_


	10. Chapter 9: Law and Disorder

Chapter 9: Law and Disorder

**Sun. April 3****rd**

**5: 36 P.M.**

**From: SamluvzHam**

**To: Fredtech57**

**Subject: Law and Disorder**

**Omg! Yo, Fredwad, wassup? Has your life been as terrible as I hope? But that's actually not why I'm emailing u today. Ok, so you know the Seattle police Department (SPD)? Well…they're kinda mad at me right now. **

**But seriously, I didn't do anything **_**bad. **_**I just stole one of those cool police cruisers and took it for a (not so) quick spin around Mexico. I thought we'd all laugh about it while eating donuts, but did we? Nooooooo. This just proves my theory that all cops have no sense of humor. **

**So….that's why I'm here in jail :( waiting for someone to come and bail me out. Yeah…I hope you got 2000 bucks on ya. **

**Hope you check ur inbox soon! Later Freddip. **

**-Sam**

_Sun. April 3__rd_

_6: 18 P.M._

_From: Fredtech57_

_To: SamluvzHam_

_Subject: Re: Law and Disorder_

_Why, hello again, Sam. I know it's been a while since our last email. But I understand, cuz u were in Juvi for 'accidentally' putting Miss Briggs in the hospital. Obviously your new therapist isn't doing much good if you still feel the need to attack teachers the way you attack meatballs. _

_And FYI, I'm doing just fine! So, ha. In ur face, Puckett! So yeah…back to the whole 'in jail' thing. _

_Um…stealing a police cruiser is in fact something that makes cops mad. But I know that's hard for u to understand so I'll give u an example._

_It would be like someone stealing a sandwich from you. I can't imagine why anyone would want to die a painful and bloody death, but there are lunatics out there who might. Just try to keep that in mind, kay? I know you won't. _

_Why do you think police officers would want to eat donuts with you? I mean, they've all met you. And once you've met Sam Puckett, you've been robbed by Sam Puckett. So ur brain is flawed. :/_

_BTW, how do you know cops have no sense of humor? Has it ever been scientifically proven? Hmmm….?_

_*Sigh* Yes, I have 2,000 dollars. I got it from selling signed pics of myself online. Apparently lots of gurlz wanna be able to see me 24/7. If only u were one of 'em. _

_But just cuz I have the cash doesn't mean I'll come bail u out. In fact, I think I'll just let u sit there for a while and think about what u did. Maybe it will teach u a lesson. _

_Lol. Wow, I kept a straight face for 2 and a half seconds! That's a new personal best!_

_Enjoy sharing a cell with a hobo, Sam. Enjoy. (insert evil laugh here)_

_-Freddie B._

**Sun. April 3****rd**

**6: 52 P.M.**

**Subject: Re: Re: Law and Disorder**

**Dude, you'd better not keep mama waiting! Cuz if u do, bad things will happen. **

_**Bad things…**_

**On that happy note, I'm very disappointed in you, Fredface. It's a sad world we live in if I can't even wake up in the mornings knowing ur not miserable. That makes Mama mad. **

**So to fix that little problem, I guess I'll just have to plan a few pranks or two. Oh, but don't worry Frederly. Waiting in jail will give me plenty of time to come up with some great (for me) ideas. **

**This is the part where u face-palm. Ur plan backfired! ;)**

**Oh, Freddork. You're so stupid all the time. **

**Later. (insert insulting nickname here) **

**-Sammie**


	11. Chapter 10: Beavecoon Afternoon

**Chapter 10: Beavecoon Afternoon**

**Wednesday, April 6****th**

**9: 40 A.M.**

**From: SpazzySculpture**

**To: SamluvzHam; Fredtech57**

**Subject: Beavecoon Afternoon**

**Yo-Dee-yo! Guess what spazzy artist just published a book? This one! Yep, I've finished writing Beavecoon Afternoon: A true story by Spencer Shay. Guess wut itz about! Go on….take a gander!**

**Alright, alright. Don't hurt your developing brains! I'll tell ya…beavecoons!**

**Remember when we took that trip to hunt for the Beavecoon (And Carly tried to find proof of Bigfoot)? I still can't believe she thinks Bigfoot is real. I mean, that's just a bowl of chiz! **

**But the Beavecoon, now **_**that's **_**a real creature. And to prove it to the world, I wrote a book!**

**It's all about our hunt for the Beavecoon. I even filled it with scientifically proven facts that I made myself That counts…right? Check 'em out!**

**Beavecoons are shy animals. If you get too close, they will hiss and scratch at your face. But don't be alarmed, this is just their self-defense. **

**A Beavecoon scratch won't kill you. It will just be extremely painful and may cause temporary insanity. **

**If you capture a Beavecoon as a pet, make sure to keep plenty of Beavecoon Bites at all times. It's the only thing they eat…besides people. **

**I bet you wanna go out and buy a copy of this now, don't ya? **

**-Spence **

_Thursday, April 7__th_

_3: 14 P.M._

_From: Fredtech57_

_To: SamluvzHam_

_Subject: The Wacko Shack_

_Hey…did you get that email from Spence about his new book? Well, apparently a lot of people have been calling Spence "crazy". And um…maybe it's true._

_But anyway, I just thought you should know: Spencer's been locked up in the cuckoo house! Yeah…I guess a lot of people complained. Carly called and said the police took him away this morning. But he'll be back in a few weeks._

_Sadly, they took away the wrong person…_

_-Freddie_

**Thursday, April 7****th**

**4:00 P.M.**

**From: SamluvzHam**

**To: Fredtech57**

**Subject: Re: Wacko Shack**

**You're such a nub, Frednub! Sorry, I just wanted to say that. I hope you take that personally. Offense intended! BTW Why do you keep saying you like me? It's creepy! ;)**

**I've been saying for years that Spencer isn't normal. We all knew that. And now the world has realized it! I think it'll be good for Spence to spend a few days with a bunch of other crazies. It might help him see he should go back to law school…**

**I kinda got in some legal trouble that no one knows about. And um…do you know how much chiz lawyers cost? A LOT O CHIZ!**

**So…yeah. I hate you…blah, blah, blah.**

***Sigh* Can you tell your mom not to serve me organic broccoli anymore? I swear, if I have to eat that one more time, I'll-**

**I probably shouldn't tell you. It's not legal in the U.S.**

**But if you really wanna know, we'll take a trip to Canada and I'll tell ya there. BTW we should get some more of that "bacon" ham. MMMMM….**

**Later, Fredamame! **

**P.S. Never speak of last night! Just cuz I fell asleep on top of you means **_**nothing. **_**Got it? **

**P.P.S Dude, you should work out. Your arms are like Jell-O! **

**-Your Blonde Demon :D**


	12. Chapter 11: Seddie Already

_**Chapter 11: Give Me Seddie Already**_

_Wed. April 13_

_3:00 P.M._

_From: Fredtech57_

_To: SamluvzHam_

_Subject: Give me Seddie already!_

_Hey, Puckett. Actually, I guess I should start calling you Samantha…cuz read online (gotta love Google) that girls like their boyfriends to give them a cute nickname. Is that true?_

_Of course, you're not "most" girls. You're Sam. I mean that in the nicest way possible. Kinda. _

_Anyway, I decided to make it official: I like you, Samantha Puckett. I hope you like me too. Cuz we're not getting any younger…and I don't wanna die alone! _

_Besides, the stress of hating someone can cause wrinkles. Do you really wanna risk messing up your (perfect, beautiful, amazing, gorgeous) face? I sure don't._

_But that's why I'm sending you this email. I'm in love with you, Sam. DO you feel the same way about me? I mean, that kiss we had at Saturday's lock-in…you kissed me! I want everyone to know that YOU KISSED ME!_

_Sorry. I'm just kinda in shock here. I've never been kissed…that way. The good way. ;)_

_So I guess I'm just confused. You're kinda sending me mixed signals here. So what's the deal? Are we about to make Creddie fans mad enough to drop out of school and get a job frying burgers at Inside Out Burger? _

_Reply soon, Freddie. _

_P.S. Are you using a new shampoo? Your hair smelled like strawberries yesterday :) _

_P.P.S You didn't see the message my mom posted on my blog…did you? _

**Wed. April 13**

**3:13 P.M.**

**From: SamluvzHam**

**To: Fredtech57**

**Subject: Re: Give me Seddie already!**

**Yo, Freddork! Hmm…you probably want me to call you Freddie or something equally geeky…but Mama ain't gonna! Just cuz I like you doesn't mean I gotta stop messin with ya! **

**Oh, about the whole Google nickname thing? Google is soooo yesterday. Duh! Everyone uses Wikipedia now! :)**

**And BTW it **_**is **_**true sadly that most girls enjoy a cute nickname…but not me! If you call me anything but Sam, I'll give your cell phone number to a hobo! Yep…you know the one. He's been asking about you again….**

***Sigh* I guess I should confess: I kinda have a thing for you too Fredbag. But don't get any ideas in that boy brain of yours (if it exists). It's a small thing. But it might grow…**

**I think it's kinda cute that you're worried about dying old and alone. Cuz it's so true! It's definitely a possibility. But there's another possibility: Seddie. **

**Um….why the heck would I care about wrinkles? Dude, we're fifteen! And FYI, I'll never get wrinkles! Haven't you ever heard of plastic surgery? How do ya think your mom looks like she's only 100 instead of…what is she….500? **

**Yes, Freddiaper (haha, a new insult!) I do like you. So there: It's official. So all you Creddies: Go buy a spatula and locate the nearest McDonalds! **

**Uh….I refuse to talk about that lock-in kiss on Sat. until I've talked with my lawyer. He's currently on vacation in the tropics, recovering from his nervous breakdown! :)**

**Hope you're happy, Fredloser! **

**-Sam **

**P.S. How'd you know about the strawberry shampoo? It was a gift from Carly. And by gift, I mean I swapped the strawberry shampoo she bought for mayonnaise! What…life would get boring without a prank or two! **

**P.P.S I actually wouldn't mind a bunch of Creddies flipping burgers all day for minimum wage. Then a lot more ppl would smell like meat! MMM…..meat. **


	13. Chapter 12: Blog Hog

Chapter 12: Blog Hog

**Sunday, April 17****th**

**5:28 P.M.**

**From: SamluvzHam**

**To: Fredtech57**

**Subject: Blog Hog**

**Frednub, your mom needs to be locked up in the wackadoodle shack! Well, I guess it's true what they say. The apple never falls far from the tree… **

**So I guess you're wondering why I'm saying this. Well…have you checked your blog lately? Cuz last night your mom posted some pretty funny stuff that I can use for future blackmail…see for yourself. **

Fredman's Blog

Sunday, April 16th

4:21 P.M.

Updated: 5 min. ago

Hello, Freddie's friends! For those of you who don't know me, I'm Freddie's mother. I wanted to see why Freddie is always posting stuff on his blog (I thought he might be purchasing a bus ticket). But I read through all his personal, private posts and found he's not planning on leaving me.

But since I'm here, I might as tell you about my day!

I just put little Freddiekinz to bed. I know it's already past 4 P.M. but I let him stay up later on the weekends.

I don't know why Freddie protests when I tell him it's time for bed. Growing boys need sleep. My Obsessed Parenting magazine said so! (I have a monthly subscription).

Now that Freddie is asleep, I can work on my knitting! I'm making a dog leash for Freddie to wear. This way I'll be able to make sure I don't lose him. Plus, all the stylish boys are wearing yarn leashes as necklaces…right?

Well, I suppose I should log off now. I've got to finish giving Freddie his tick bath! He refused to let me do it yesterday…but he'll never know! :)

Aren't I hip? I just learned how to that smiley face symbol! :)

_Sunday, April 17__th_

_5: 43 P.M._

_From: Fredtech57_

_To: SamluvzHam_

_Subject: Re: Blog Hog_

_I hope I don't ruin my computer with all the crying I'm doing. My life is over. Literally! The kids at school are never gonna forget this. EVER. Why do "populars" remember an embarrassing blog, but they don't remember how to hook up Wi-Fi to their hard drive? _

_It makes no sense. _

_This is the last straw (literally, my mom took the last straw to clean the earwax out of my ears). I'm changing my password from Fredman to Fredguy! She'll never figure that out!_

_And this time I won't write it down in my diary! HA!_

**Sunday, April 17**

**6: 17 P.M.**

**From: SamluvzHam**

**To: Fredtech57**

**Subject: Re: Re: Blog Hog**

**Haven't you learned by now, Frederly? You shouldn't confide in me! If you tell Sam Puckett your secrets, Sam Puckett reveals your secrets! That's how life works. **

**Let this be a lesson to you. Don't tell me anything you don't want to end up online. **

**WAIT! Forget I said that. You should tell me all your deepest darkest secrets. ;)**

**Just so there's no confusion: I'll be posting your mom's blog entry on the school website. **

**See ya in school tomorrow, Fredumbo.**

**P.S. Get it? From the movie Dumbo? Ya know…you have a lot in common with an awkward elephant with huge ears. But I'll let you figure that out for yourself.**

**P.P.S Just cuz we're dating now doesn't mean I don't luv to mess with ya! Even boyfriends of mine don't get special privileges.**


	14. Chapter 13: Miss MIA

**Chapter 13: Miss MIA**

_Friday, April 22_

_10:22 A.M._

_From: Fredtech57_

_To: SamluvzHam_

_Subject: Just checkin_

_Hey Samarai! Lol I came up with that myself. Don't worry I'm expecting to be punished for it. But it's worth it. :D_

_So I just wanted to see how you're hanging? I am! Yep just swingin in the air…_

_Email me back soon! I live for our little chats. Aren't you glad we have so much great technology? Without it, it would be much harder for you to cyber bully me!_

_With all my love (and bacon)_

_-Freddie_

_(Error: This message cannot be delivered.)_

_Friday, April 22_

_11:03 A.M._

_From: Fredtech57_

_To:iMissPriss_

_Subject: Miss MIA_

_Carls, have you heard from Sam lately? I sent her an email and it came back undeliverable! I know I shouldn't be worried…she's probably off getting a smoothie or not cleaning her room right?_

_But still…do you know where she is?_

Friday, April 22

11:29 A.M.

From: iMissPriss

To: Fredtech57

Subject: Re: Miss MIA

OMG! What if something bad happened to her? What if she got run over by a taco truck? What are we gonna do? Our best friend (and girlfriend) is MIA! Send out a search party! No….call the FBI!

SAM IS MIA!

Let's try and stay calm ok?

_April 22_

_11:37 A.M._

_From: Fredtech57_

_To: iMissPriss_

_Subject: Re: Re: Miss MIA_

_Carly…I think I know why Sam is missing. My mom just told me that last night she and Sam had a fight…_

_And Sam left! _

_Something about not enough bacon in the fridge…_

_Mom told the police but they can't do anything until it's been 24 hours…that's the chizziest rule I've ever heard! Cops are just lazy. _

_I'll try calling Sam again. Keep your fingers crossed (and eyes...like Frothy)_

_Sam doesn't have much money. How far could she get, right?_

**Friday, April 22**

**1:43 P.M.**

**From: SamluvzHam**

**To: Fredtech57**

**Subject: Goodbye**

**I know you're worried about me. I'm sure you know what happened…**

**I'm sorry. But I can't be with you anymore. It's not the fight…its something so much bigger. I can never tell you what it is. I don't want you to get involved. **

**Please try and forget about me. It's best if you just move on. You'll never see me again. That's a promise.**

**Don't email me again. This is the last time you'll ever hear (or read) from me again.**

**I love you, Fredward Benson. Even more than ham. **

**Goodbye Forever.**

**-Samantha P.**


	15. Chapter 14: Baby Boomer

**Chapter 14: Baby Boomer**

_Wednesday, April 27__th_

_7:02 A.M._

_From: Fredtech57_

_To: SamluvzHam_

_Subject: Princess Puckett_

_Sam…please just talk to me! I don't care what's wrong, or what you did. I just want my Princess Puckett back. Please, Sam. I'm going crazy without you._

_You've done a lot of illegal things. There's probably a lot more I don't know about. But this is different. What could be so bad you couldn't even tell me? _

_I'm your boyfriend. I'll love you no matter what. Whatever you did…it doesn't matter to me. I just want to see your gorgeous face again. I just want to see your lips (even if they're insulting me). _

_Please come back. If you won't tell me where you are, at least tell me what's going on. Don't I deserve to know the truth? If we can't be honest with each other…Seddie won't last long._

_Please email me soon. Do you know how hard it is to calm down a worried Carlotta Shay?_

_I'll spare you the details. Just reply before she calls the police. _

_I miss you._

_-Freddie_

_P.S. If you won't come back for me…do it for Frothy! He misses you too…and no one wants to get near an angry rabid cat. If we don't feed that cat soon, he's gonna attack Spencer. Ya know, cuz Spence is an easy target. _

_P.P.S If you don't come back, I'll give all your stuff to a hobo. (Just saying)_

**Thursday, April 28****th**

**10: 12 P.M.**

**From: SamluvzHam**

**To: Fredtech57**

**Subject: Baby Boomer**

**Happy now? I read your email and… I felt kinda guilty (don't get used to it) for not telling you why I suddenly left Seattle.**

**You're right. You deserve to know. So I'm going to tell you everything. **

**Just please try to understand. This isn't easy for me to say. I left cuz I was scared of what you would say…I thought you might break up with me. You still might after you hear this.**

**But you need to know. But only you. Please…don't tell Carls yet. I'm too embarrassed (and scared). Let's keep this between us for now.**

**I'm not in Seattle (no chizzin duh). I'm in Alaska. In Juvy. Sharing a cell with a guy who could squeeze the nubbiness right out of you. His name is Fran. **

**Don't worry, I didn't do anything "bad." Of course, your definition of bad is different than mine. I'm just staying here cuz I have no place else to go. The guards here owed me a favor... Of course, I'll be coming back now that my secret is out. So you'll get more Puckett lip action soon enough! ;)**

***Sigh* I guess I've kept you waiting long enough. This is the reason why I left and told you to move on. But I realized I can't forget you. I'm in love with you. I hope you feel the same way.**

**You obviously do, cuz it was **_**your**_** idea to have sex three months ago. Freddie…you are going to be a father.**

**I'm pregnant.**

_A/N: Are any of you surprised? Reviews make the world go round! _


	16. Chapter 15: Identity Crisis

**Chapter 15: Identity Crisis**

_Wednesday, May 18_

_3: 45 P.M._

_From: Fredtech57_

_To: SamluzvHam; iMissPriss _

_Subject: Identity Crisis_

_Hey, Sam. You'll be happy to know that I've decided not to name our baby Fredward Jr. Even though I really, really want to, I've had a change of heart. Well, that and you tied me to a chair and threatened to tell my mom and Carly about your pregnancy. _

_I'm pretty sure it's gonna be a boy. You asked me why it would be a boy, so here's my answer: Why wouldn't it be? Yeah, think about that. _

_Speaking of mom and Carly, we need to tell them soon. We can't hide it forever. I really don't want to tell my mom she's a grandmother at her funeral. And Carly is our best friend. They both deserve to know. We'll do it together. _

_If it's not Fredward, what will we name the baby? He can't not have a name! Do you have any suggestions? _

_Oh and there's something else I wanted to ask you…since we're gonna be parents…._

_COMING MOM!_

_Um….my mom wants to give me another tick bath. I think I'll ask you in my next email. Reply back soon! _

_-Freddie_

_P.S. What's wrong with the name Fredward Jr? I think it's a great name! My mom came up with it! Oh wait…yeah, you're right. Never mind. _

**Wednesday, May 18**

**4:00 P.M.**

**From: SamluvzHam**

**To: Fredtech57**

**Subject: Re: Identity Crisis**

**Glad you see it my way, Fredweird. I don't know why the government doesn't tie people up any more. It's such a great torture method! I'm starting a petition to bring it back :D Will you do all the work for me? I've been really tired lately. It's the pregnancy. But then again…I'm always lazy! **

**Um…we don't know if it's a boy or girl yet! Unless you're a psychic you wouldn't know it'll be a boy. If you were a psychic you would have known not to eat my sandwich the other day. Then maybe you wouldn't have gotten eleven stitches in your eye…**

**Ugh. We can't tell anyone yet! It's too soon. They just won't understand. They'll get all mad and we won't be able to be together! Or if it's Carly, she'll get all prissy and want to take me shopping for some baby clothes. Now **_**that **_**is torture.**

**We'll find out what the baby's sex is in a few days. Then we can finally name it! But I know you still want it to be named Fredward Jr so I'll be nice…NO! Aren't your proud of me? I was gentle! I'm working on being less mean to people. I think it's going well. **

**I know your mom didn't call you. She's not giving you a tick bath! You told me she only given them to you six times a week now! You're hiding something…**

**-Sam**

**P.S. You owe me another sandwich**

**P.P.S Um….you sent a copy of your email to Carly! You NUB! Well, I guess now is a good time to tell her…**

**P.P.P.S I really want my sandwich A.S.A.P**

A/N: Next chapter will have emails from Carly and Mrs. Benson too!

I need boy and girl names please! I need your help so review please :D


	17. Chapter 16: The Secret Life of the

_Chapter 16: The Secret Life of the American Puckett_

**Monday, May 30****th**

**11: 48 A.M.**

**From: SamluvzHam**

**To: Fredtech57**

**Subject: The Secret Life of the American Puckett **

**I'm baaaaaack! As much fun as a cell in Alaska was, I missed the Groovy Smoothie too much. The closest I got to a smoothie in jail was a cup of snow with a blueberry in it! Their food just isn't good quality. Oh, but that's not the only reason I came back. I missed other things too…Carly! And Spencer, and Melanie, and Frothy and…that's about it. I'm not forgetting anyone. ;D**

**I hate being pregnant! When I was taking a walk yesterday, a random woman came up to me and asked if I was pregnant! Seriously, I have a HUGE belly! Was she stupid? The worst part was when I told her yes. Then she hugged me! Yes, actual huggage! A total stranger! UGH! I was so mad I accidentally murdered my fried chicken last night ): **

**I've been watching a lot of The Secret Life of the American Teenager lately. Did you know they have all the episodes on Splashface? I learned that having sex in your teens is "bad". Not that I care what some dumb Hollywood writers think. They are just jealous that they aren't my baby's dad. Aren't you? LOL (:**

**So, have you heard from Carly lately? I HAVE! She emailed me this morning and said she was really happy for us…and she told Mrs. Benson! I always knew having a priss as a BFF would blow up in my face someday. Anyway, your mom hacked into your blog again. Here's what she wrote:**

_Fredman's Blog_

_Monday, May 30__th_

_11: 48 A.M._

_Updated: 17 min. ago_

_Hello, everyone! I suppose if you are reading this you are one of Freddie's little friends. Well, if you do know my little Freddiekins, I'd like to make sure you all know that Freddie and I are moving to Nebraska and never coming back! _

_We've got to get as far away from Sam Puckett as possible. She lied to my son and told him she was pregnant with his baby! It's not true. My Freddie would never do anything like that. I don't know what Sam wants but she's not getting anywhere near us ever again! She'll never find our new home._

_P.S. If any of you want to visit us at our new home, the address is Safe Haven Dr. 3610_

_Aren't I groovy? I just learned how to make the winking symbol ;) _

**Um…I know your mom isn't one of the normal people, but I didn't know she was stupid too! Dude, she posted the new address online where anyone could see it! That includes me! **

**Well, I'm bored now. I'm going to go…wait. Why should I tell you what I'm doing? It's not your business! Well…ok it is. But I'm still not talking. **

**OMH! (Oh my ham!) I almost forgot…I picked the perfect name for our baby! BTW, it's totally a girl! You are one stupid dork. But I'm not going to tell you what we're naming it yet. You'll have to wait until it's born! Don't worry, the baby is due in a week :D**

**I just realized I'm pregnant. I'm freaking out right now. I need something deep fried and unhealthy. **

**Bye, my dork!**

**-Sam**

**P.S. I came up with another insulting nickname for you! Fredumbo! Do you like it? **

_Monday, May 31__st_

_7: 27 P.M._

_From: SamluvzHam_

_To: Fredtech57_

_Subject: 5 questions _

_Hey, Sam. I'm really sorry about accidentally telling Carly you were expecting a baby. You can feel free to punch me if you want. I'll even let the baby punch me! Since I'm scared of you hurting me, we'll go with your plan. I just hope you don't name the baby anything horrible. _

_I had a nightmare last night. You named the baby Fried Chicken Puckett! Please don't do this in real life. _

_I want to play a game with you. Answer the questions in your next email:_

_Are you going to be a good mother?_

_What are you naming the baby?_

_Do you love me?_

_Do you love me more than bacon?_

_Will you marry me?_

_Sam, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I'm not doing this because you're pregnant. Even if we never had kids I'd still want to wake up and see your face right before you punched my lights out. _

_At least think about it. I don't have to. I know what I want…and it's you. It's always been you. I've just been too stupid to realize it. Fredumbo is a great nickname for me…it's very true. I was stupid not to love you. I like the name Samantha Benson. _

_I didn't buy engagement rings. I know you hate wearing jewelry. Instead, I bought a bacon-scented perfume! You can wear it every day and think of me when you try to bite your own neck. I thought it was a sweet idea. _

_So…will you marry me?_

**A/****N: Did anyone see that coming? Don't worry, there will be a wedding chapter next! I will also have POV's from other characters. It will be longer than my very first chapter! **

**Thanks for all my reviewers! I'm sorry I haven't updated in a while. I'm so glad you all like it. Without your reviews, I would've ended this story long ago. **

**I think I've figured out my girl name…but if you have suggestions, please tell me! I'm still deciding (:**


	18. Chapter 17: Lukewarm Feet

**Chapter 17: Lukewarm Feet**

**Tuesday, July 5****th**

**9: 48 A.M.**

**From: SamluvzHam**

**To: Fredtech57**

**Subject: Lukewarm Feet**

**Yo, Frederly! It's been a while since I've emailed, so I'll get you up to speed on my life. I'd ask you to do the same, but we both know you don't have a life.**

**Carly took me shopping for wedding dress yesterday (and by "took" I mean threatened to not be my bridesmaid. When I said I didn't care, she threatened to steal all the ham in your fridge and donate it to charity). She's a sick person. **

_**Bella's Bride Boutique **_**was too horrible to describe. Everywhere I turned I saw poufy white dresses. I think I tried on a hundred different ones. I still don't know why they make so many. Why do people spend so much money on a dumb dress they'll wear one time? And you can never return them! Am I the only one bothered by this?**

**After we bought the dress, Carly told me not to show it to you. She said it was bad luck. I think she's been reading those fortune cookies again. We'll need to have an intervention. **

**Anyway, I don't care. I'm not going to let an Asian cookie boss me around! I'm sending you a picture of the dress. (A/N: The real picture is on my profile)**

**I just hope I don't look like a cream puff. My stomach is already huge. The baby is due any day now! We might have to postpone our honeymoon. BTW, why won't you tell me where we're going? Quit trying to be all mysterious and romantic! It's just not in a geek's nature.**

**Ugh, I hate feeling so…nervous. I guess I've got cold feet about the wedding and the baby. Wait…why do people say cold feet? My feet are actually lukewarm. **

**Well, the wedding is just five hours away. Wow, that was fast. One email later and it's already time to get hitched! It seems like Carly invited the whole universe. Just look for me…I'll be the one in white ;D**

**Here's the answers to your questions:**

**Am I going to be a good mother? Me and my mom were a lot alike…what does that tell you?**

**What am I naming the baby? Nice try! I'm not telling yet.**

**Do I love you? Yes!**

**Do I love you more than bacon? Hell, no! **

**Will I marry you? Uh…I think you know the answer already. I just spent the entire email talking about the wedding! **

**Well, I've gotta go get ready ): **

**P.S. Why did you buy a PINK tux? **

**P.P.S Seriously, WHY?**

_Tuesday, July 5__th_

_11:44 A.M._

_From: Fredtech57_

_To: SamluvzHam_

_Subject: Re: Lukewarm Feet_

_First of all, I did NOT buy a pink tux! It wasn't my fault! I had intentions of getting a normal tux, I swear. But my mom wanted to help me pick it out (the worst sentence known to man) and wouldn't take no for an answer. Finally, I gave up and let her come with me to Tex's Tux. _

_I found a black tux and was gonna buy that. Mom even agreed to it. But she freaked when she saw the price tag (five dollars) and went to complain to the owner, Tex. The conversation went something like this:_

_Mom: How dare you charge five dollars for a tuxedo! That's insane! It shouldn't cost more than three!_

_Tex: Are you on medication ma'm? You're getting a great price for that horrible-quality tux! Now, quit screaming my ear off!_

_Me: Mom! Leave Tex alone!_

_Mom: Sir, I demand you lower the price! We'll pay three dollars for it._

_Tex: Get out of my store, nut job! _

_Me: Mom! It's not a big deal! I can pay the five bucks._

_Mom: No! This man should be arrested for such high prices! It's insane!_

_Tex: You and the price have a lot in common. I'm done being nice. Ya'll get the *beep* out of my store!_

_Me: Is tackling Tex really necessary?_

_I'll spare you the rest. It got pretty ugly after I pried mom off of Tex. There was yelling, scratching, begging…finally Tux called the police and kicked us out of the store. While the cops were dragging us out, mom grabbed a tux off the racks before anyone could stop her. Unfortunately, she didn't notice that it was pink. So that's why I look like a flamingo. _

_Anyway, I don't care if you look like a cream puff. You're still my cream puff. I'm just glad I'm not the one who looks like dessert. You'd eat my face off. _

_I think you're right about Carls. She's on another fortune cookie craze? It didn't end well last time…and fortune cookies aren't Asian! They're Chinese! Do you remember my icky Cousin Amanda? Well, she finally married a guy just as icky as her. He's a Chinese dude who owns his own fortune cookie factory. People thought his fortunes were lame so they beat him with socks filled with butter. Have you been using those international chat rooms to promote your butter socks again? (Yes, I'm aware that was a totally random story)_

_*Sigh* I'd better go put on my flamingo suit. I'll see you in a couple hours :D_

Tuesday, July 5th

1:00 P.M.

From: iMissPriss

To:Fredtech57

Subject: URGENT!

Freddie, Sam is missing! She was here a few minutes ago, getting dressed (I still think a church would've been more romantic that a butcher shop). She was taking a long time so I went to check on her and she was gone! Do you think she stole some meat and ditched us? Don't worry about it. I'll keep searching for her.

BTW how could you buy a PINK suit? The color scheme for the wedding is purple! Your pink will totally clash! Ugh!

LMK if you find Sam. She's supposed to walk down the aisle in an hour!

**Tuesday, July 5****th**

**2:00 P.M.**

**From: SamluvzHam**

**To: iMissPriss**

**Carls, please don't be mad. I honestly do want to marry Freddie…but the timing isn't great. I think I've gone into labor. My water just broke and I'm driving myself to the hospital right now (No one ever said you couldn't email while driving!)**

**A/N: Sort of a cliffy...sorry I haven't updated in a while. I've had writers block but I finally updated iShut Down and Random Emailing! My profile now has pictures of the dresses and tux.**

**Reviews will be given a loving home in my inbox ;)**


	19. Chapter 18: Faulty Chips and Dip

**Chapter 18: Faulty Chips and Dip**

_Wednesday, July 13_

_3:43 P.M._

_From: Fredtech57_

_To: SamluvzHam_

_Subject: Faulty Chips and Dip_

_Hey, Sam. I'm on my way to the hospital right now. You're probably "busy" right now, so you might not read this until after the baby is born, but I just thought I'd let you know I'm coming. Also…I know this isn't the best time, but I've got a problem. My chip is malfunctioning! And no, not the kind you usually eat twenty bags of per day. _

_Apparently, my mom made a questionable Venezuelan doctor put a chip in my brain when I was a toddler. I had no idea until just now when I called to tell her we were married and expecting a baby (She would've done illegal things if I had invited her to the wedding-you and you're new mother-in-law have a lot in common). I was arguing with her (She was using some very creative swear words I've never heard) and all of a sudden I shouted out "Tres"! Well, I have no idea where that came from. I looked it up on Wikipedia (I don't care what you say, Wikipedia owns Google) and Tres means "Three" in Spanish. So now I'm shouting random Spanish uncontrollably! _

_My mom thinks the Venezuelan doctor who put the chip in my head messed up somehow. Venezuelans speak Spanish so…yeah. Anyway, my chip is faulty! I've gotta get this thing…adios…removed before…did you read that? I just typed "adios"! What the heck does that even mean?_

_I can't believe I never noticed this before. I've shouted out random Spanish words tons of times! Why has no one ever pointed this out? Eh. It doesn't matter. I've got to track down that questionable Venezuelan doctor! Wait…I think I'll wait until you're dismissed from the hospital. If he doesn't cooperate, you're better at making him see it our way. ;D_

_Crap! A cop is making me pull over. What did I do wrong? I'm wearing a seatbelt…I'm not speeding…I'm not texting…BRB. _

_*Five min. later* This isn't fair! Everyone tells you how wrong texting while driving is…well, I've never heard anyone mention the dangers of emailing while driving! It's probably cuz no one but us emails while driving…_

_Whatever. We're just different like that. I'm not gonna pay for this ticket! No! I'm gonna toss it out the window! There it goes. Wow, that felt good. It was like I was letting go of myself! I feel so free!_

_Oh. My. God. What did I just do? I'm a horrible person! Um…I might not be there for a while. I've gotta turn around and search for that ticket. I'm not like you! I couldn't handle Juvy! Love ya, see ya soon, blah blah blah. Bye! _

**Wednesday, July 13**

**11: 27 P.M.**

**From: SamluvzHam**

**To: Fredtech57**

**Subject: Re: Faulty Chips and Dip**

**Okay, first of all…you're missing the birth of your child! I'm not mad, though. I don't blame you for "accidentally" being late. It's not a pretty sight in here. I asked the doctors if **_**I **_**could just leave and come back after the baby was born, but they said no. Nubs. **

**BTW, when you do finally get here, brace yourself. Carly is recording the whole thing on camera as we speak (or type) and you know she'll make you watch it. :D**

**Um…I gotta agree with you: You're a nub. How did you not know you had a chip inside your brain that could track you anywhere in the world? Wow, that must be one small chip. It has to fit inside your small brain…**

**I'm not surprised. Your mom is always doing stuff like that. The woman pounds your fruit with a mallet! Doesn't that just scream psycho to you? Speaking of psycho chicks, I'm checking myself into a mental hospital. I finally realized that being in love with you…IT's INSANE! I think I'm going crazy. I mean…it's **_**you!**_

**Okay, okay, I know you've been waiting to hear the name I'm giving to our child. So…I won't tell you just yet. Yes, I know. Doesn't it drive you mad? Ha! You thought I was gonna tell you! I can see your excited face! And then you got all disappointed…oh, good times. Good times. **

**We're really taking emailing to a new level aren't we? You emailed me while driving and I'm emailing while giving birth! We should be in the Guinness Book of World Records. The last time was just for Spencer's sculpture. **

**UGH! I'm really not having fun here. All these nurses keep shouting at me. Here's what I'd like to scream at them: Chiz off! Actually, I will do that. Oooh, they didn't like that. Um…they're leaving. I'm alone in the room with Carly. Finally! Except I can't really see the baby yet. Eh. I'm sure it'll come while I'm napping. LOL. They didn't even have enough time to give me pain killers! I'm just tired like that. **

**Wow, it's been six hours since I typed that last paragraph. Sorry I fell asleep in the middle of this email. Well…not really. Your mom just showed up carrying gifts…for the baby! How selfish is that? My daughter is getting all the good stuff to herself! I'm so proud! She's gonna be exactly like me. And anyway, I couldn't wear those infant clothes. Have you seen them? They wouldn't fit a Chihuahua! I wouldn't even wear them if I could. Pink is…ugh. **

**God, I really hate this! I can't even go back to sleep! I'm in a lot of pain here…kinda like when you stabbed yourself with a fork! Except I don't cry as much. There was that **_**one **_**time when I had that janky job, but that's all. Wow, you cry A LOT! I just realized that. I know this embarrasses you, so I'll be mocking you about it. Wouldn't want you to forget it!**

**BTW, I saw the bracelet you left for me. It's the official Seddie color: purple! I love that color. Red and blue go so well together ;)**

**Well, I'm gonna try and make Carls stop screaming. She's freaking out cuz the nurses and doctors left us alone in here. I think I see Jade's little head…yep. I'm naming her Jade! You remember the girl we met when we went to L.A. to expose Steven's cheating? There's something about Jade that I like. Plus, the name isn't too girly. It's perfect. **

**Well, I hope you find your ticket. Not cuz I care if you go to jail for a few days (It's worse than you think) but I know you'll be freaking out all night if you don't find it. **

**-Sam P. (New Mother and old lover of fried chicken)**

**P.S. Your name sounds a lot like Fried Chicken.**

**A/N: Thanks for all the reviews last chapter! I've added pictures on my profile for Sam's bracelet and Jade's infant clothes. I'm ready to stab whoever chose to premiere iLost My Mind in August. I can't wait that long! **

**Reviews make everything better :D**


	20. Chapter 19: The Perks of Seddie

**Chapter 19: The Perks of Seddie**

_Friday, August 5__th_

_9: 18 A.M._

_From: Fredtech57_

_To: SamluvzHam_

_Subject: The Perks of Seddie_

_You know, I was thinking about my life pre-Seddie and realized that…it sucked. I don't know why we didn't get married sooner. My life has never been better! I bet you're rolling your eyes right now and doing this :P. Well, :P all you want (I think I laughed a lung out that day with Mr. Howard in class!)_

_I just wanna show you what I mean. There are so many things that I used to do by myself. Now that I have you, it's all so much easier! Here's a few examples:_

_1) Texting! My inbox used to be filled with messages from my mom. It usually said something like this: Don't forget ur doctor's appointment cuz U need 2 refill ur ointment! (I have no idea how she learned text lingo, and I don't wanna. It's too scary to think about)._

_I really wish her text didn't have to rhyme. Why do so many things have to rhyme with "ointment"? We live in a cruel world! But now that I have you…the text won't be embarrassing! Unless ur threatening to break my limbs or apologizing for selling all my Penny T's to a hobo on iBay. _

_2) Canoeing! Paddling is really hard by myself (Even with my strong arm muscles…I work out now! I got sick of you saying they felt like Jell-O!) _

_3) When I go to buy my favorite cucumber-melon moisturizer at Bathroom Body Perks, the cashier always looks at me weird. (I'd love to say mom makes me buy the moisturizer…but I can't. I'm addicted to cucumber-melon things! I have a problem). But if you were with me, I could pretend I was buying it for you!_

_4) Going to Groovy Smoothie. T-Bo always makes fun of me for not having a girlfriend. He calls me Not-Going-Steady-Freddie. But the joke is on him. Now I've got a permanent girlfriend who can never leave me! HA! Take that T-Bo! BTW, if you're reading this, I'm sorry for dumping a Strawberry Splat smoothie on your head. I know you're mad your dreads smell like Strawberry now ):_

_5) Ballroom dancing lessons! My mom makes me take them so I won't be clumsy and get hit by a bus. My partner is my icky cousin Amanda and her head gear keeps poking me in the eye! _

_6) Tandem bike rides! My mom bought one for me and dad before he left. Now she says he'll be upset if she buys me a new, normal one. I think she's kinda hoping he'll come back someday. Personally, I don't blame him for leaving. Who could put up with my mom? Even I'm not worth it. Anyway, I can't ride a 2 seat bike alone! People always laugh and say "I think someone fell off your bike."_

_7) Popping back zits! It's way more fun when a girl pops the zits on my back for me! =D_

_That's all I've got to type for now. Yeah…I wasted your time. _

_-Fredward _

_P.S. why is Edward a cool name but Fredward is lame? It's just 1 letter!_

**Friday, August 05**

**12:00 P.M.**

**From: SamluvzHam**

**To: Fredtech57**

**Subject: Statue of Gibberty 4 Eva! **

**Frederly, I want you to know that I spent three hours reading your stupid "Seddie Perks" email. Don't even laugh. I'm serious. **_**Don't do it. **_**We all know I'm not the best reader. **

**I know you're laughing. **

**I warned you.**

**Are you scared yet? **

**Anyway, my email is **_**way **_**better. I've got cooler things to talk about then back zits (And I'm the one who needs psychological help?) I guess Gibby is still dating Tasha. I will never understand why. Seriously, what does she see in him? You couldn't pay me to get inside Gibby's brain. **

**I told him this one time, and he asked me if I wanted to give him five bucks to take a field trip into his brain. WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?**

**So then I slapped him with my ham (extra ham, of course) sandwich and asked him if he and Tasha would ever get married. I was just wondering…and he said "maybe". Then he told me which national monument he wants to marry…if it were legal and stuff. Wanna guess? **

**No, not Big Ben. (Isn't that a boy clock?) No, not the Eiffel Tower. He told me he read online that some lady already married the Eiffel Tower. I guess she gets to ride to the top for free now!**

**He's in love with the Statue of Liberty. He thinks she's super hot! He even sent me a pic he PhotoDock of him and the actual Statue of Liberty together. God, it's creepy. No human should ever have to see it. It even gave **_**me **_**nightmares! That's why I sent it to you ;) I hope this ruins your good mood! **

**The weirdest part was when Gibby said he'd hook up me and Carls with the Mt. Rushmore guys! Um…I'm married to a nub! But wait…a stone guy wouldn't talk at all! Maybe I should consider this…**

**JK! I'd never leave ya for a big piece of rock! I'd leave you for anyone else, but not a rock. So ur stuck with me for now. **

**Later, keypal! **

**-Sam **

**A/N: Sorry it's been a while! I've been busy with iShut Down and Love Ain't Reality. If ya haven't read those yet…you're a monkey! **

**I added a picture of the Statue of Liberty and Gibby together on my profile. Go look at it! Who doesn't love random stuff? **

**If I had a genie to give me one wish, I'd wish for a review! (:**


	21. Random Quiz

**Random Quiz**

**A/N: Yo, Webbers! I made a little iCarly quiz for you. If you don't like quizzes…too bad! This story is called **_**Random **_**Emailing! So I'm being random! Anyway, take the quiz and find out if you're a true Seddie Shipper. If you fail, you aren't worthy of this awesomesauce quiz! Enjoy! ;D**

**1) ****What is the Seddie color? Hmmmm? Stop screaming at the banana and answer the question!**

**A) The rainbow! Like Lucky Charms cereal! Except…the prize at the end of **_**that **_**rainbow is a stomach ache ):**

**B) Purple! Yep, I'm a Purple Jerk! **

**C) Maroon FTW!**

**2) ****What is the Seddie song? No, it's not So Close by Jennette McCurdy (But it should be)**

**A) Ohmigod, it's The Duck Song! **

**B) Running Away by AM**

**C) Meant for me by Chrissy Chase**

**3) ****Who doesn't love Penny T's? Sam and Freddie often wear a Penny T with Seddie sayings! What are****they?**

**A) Uncle Female and Liquid Chicken! Man, I wish I had a chicken smoothie.**

**B) Church Pants and Parole Baby. We all know Freddie has church pants and Sam has **_**been**_** on parole! Also, her many, **_**many **_**relatives. Juvenile Delinquents must run in the family!**

**C) Cookie Mischief for sure! Man, you just can't trust those darn cookies. **

**4) ****Seddie just wouldn't be complete without it's own number! What is it? Quick, the zebras are****catching up to you! ANSWER THE QUESTION!**

**A) Seddie is # 1…just like my new tinfoil shorts! **

**B) 239! I wish **_**my **_**locker was that big! I want that locker! GRRRR!**

**C) Duh…34! That's how many muffins I ate for dinner today! Yum! **

_**Seddie speed round! Pick the correct answer before the goldfish whisper things in your ear. Go!**_

**6) In iBelieve In Bigfoot, who said: "Ugh, it hurts…the sound of **_**him**_** talking!"**

**A) Bigfoot! I wonder where he gets his shoes?**

**B) Sam, of course! But we all know she's just hiding her real feelings :D**

**C) Definitely Sam. She totally hates Freddie!**

**5) ****In iOMG, Seddie and Creddie fans were shocked when Sam kissed Freddie. Why did she do it? Hurry and pick an answer before the jellybeans explode!**

**A) Sam was blackmailed by Nevel to kiss Freddie or never see Frothy again ):**

**B) OMG! SAM LOVES FREDDIE! SAM LOVES FREDDIE! OOOOOOMMMMMMGGGGG! XD**

**C) Sam is really in love with Brad. She kissed Freddie so no one would know who she **_**really **_**loves.**

**Thanks for taking this quiz! Below are your results…go look at them! Unless you want to go through life never knowing if you're a real Seddie fan. Don't end up like the Tangerine! **

**If you answered mostly A's…you'll need to brush up on your Seddie Skills. You need to stop paying attention at Gibby (I know it's tough) and focus on the most adorable couple ever! You've got a lot of work to do. So steal a gallon of Wahoo Punch from a baby and watch iCarly! Or…just take the quiz again and avoid A! Hmmm…it's a tough choice.**

**If you answered mostly B's…you're a Seddie Warrior, and proud of it! You know everything about your favorite iCarly couple. Welcome, whatever gender you are. Did you faint when Freddie admitted he was Sam's friend in iReunite With Missy? Were you rushed to the ER when Sam and Freddie kissed in iOMG? You belong here! **

**If you answered mostly C's…are a secret Creddie fan in disguise? You are so far from Seddie, it's scary! Not as scary as iScream on Halloween, but you should consider hiding under an umbrella until you decide what ship you support! WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR? 34 is the official Creddie number! Meant For Me is a Creddie song! Take the quiz again and again until your brain starts working right! **


	22. Chapter 20: Fortunes And Fat Cakes

**Chapter 20: Fortunes and Fat Cakes**

**Tuesday, August 09****th**

**9: 26 A.M.**

**From: SamluvzHam**

**To: Fredtech57**

**Subject: Fortunes and Fat Cakes**

**Yo, Fredwad! It's time for U to read another email! :( I don't know why…I always feel depressed after writing these. Maybe it's cuz I write about bad stuff that happens. Like fat cakes and fortune cookies! I've already got the title so I can't type about happy stuff! **

**I **_**hate **_**fortune cookies. I had Chinese for dinner last night, and I got a FREE fortune cookie! That was cool. But I didn't know there was PAPER in those things! So I kinda swallowed it ):**

**So I called Wok Star and they sent over a dozen FREE (Love that word!) fortune cookies. They felt really guilty cuz I lied and told them there was "a drawing" instead of fortunes. Ya know the one I drew on Gibby's forehead at the lock-down? :D**

**Anyway, I remembered to eat the cookie first this time. But the fortunes…well…suck. See for yourself:**

**You shouldn't have eaten the chicken (Ohmigod, I **_**did **_**eat the chicken! What if something bad…it was delicious. It was like biting a baby's foot! :D)**

**2) Your hard work will never pay off (It's a good thing I never work hard! You'll get a job and I stay at home watching iCarly)**

**3) Help me! I'm trapped in a fortune cookie factory! (Uh…)**

**4) You will fall in love with a nerd (:O it really happened! Wow, this is better than a time machine)**

**See? I got horrible fortunes! They all came true! But I'm not sure about the 3****rd**** one. Who keeps prisoners in a fortune cookie factory? I guess they needed more workers.**

**Now I wanna talk about my favorite thing in the world (You can be my 89****th**** favorite! Right after fat cakes, Carly, Frothy, that hobo outside my house…)**

**Anyway, I love fat cakes. Remember when Principal Franklin held a fat cake contest and we won locker 239 (I know most Seddie fans say our number is 8…but why not 239? We shared it!)**

**When we won the contest, I also got ALL the fat cakes in the big tank! Yep…2, 718 packages of sugar and fat! Mmmmm….**

**I've never been so happy. I ate a thousand in five minutes! Principal Franklin called an ambulance, so I ran home. Well…I walked home. HA! I made you think I really ran! LOL!**

**But I started to get sick of them. So I drank a thousand fat shakes instead! But I still had all these fat cakes…so I tried to give them to U. But your mom doesn't let U eat sugar…freak. Your mom is still waiting for us to get a divorce so you'll move back in with her…I saved you! You're welcome. **

**So I gave some to mom to stuff her bra. Oh! And I filled Lewbert's car with hundreds…you should've been there, Fredbag. It was HILARIOUS! XD**

**Well, I'm bored now. I'm gonna go steal some food from Carly's fridge. **

_Tuesday, August 09__th_

_10:A.M._

_From: Fredtech57_

_To: SamluvzHam_

_Subject: No Sam Puckett_

_I'm glad you mentioned my mom. Cuz guess what? She's trying to get rid of you! She thinks your keeping me at your place so I'll cook for u. It might be true…_

_Anyway, she wants you back in Juvi forever. She even made a petition! Here it is:_

**Attention Strangers!**

**Sam Puckett is a danger to our children! She stole my son and made him think she loves him! HA! She loves fat cakes…is she going to eat Freddie too? We have to stop this girl! She has teased and pranked your kids! Put an end to her random ways! If we get a thousand signatures, Sam will be behind bars forever!**

**-Marissa Benson**

_I was getting worried. A LOT of people signed. Even people from foreign countries! When did you go 2 Germany? Anyway, the petition got 999 signatures! Your mom was gonna sign…but she needs someone to record Celebs Underwater. _

_So you can continue to terrorize the world! _

_-Freddie B. _

_P.S. please don't be mad at me! I promise to buy you a subscription to the Bacon of the Month club! _

**Tuesday, August 09****th**

**10:20 A.M.**

**From: SamluvzHam**

**To: Fredtech57**

**Subject: RUN**

**You volunteered me to babysit for baby Stephanie? She's your cousin! I hate kids! Well…I don't. They remind me of meatloaf…but I don't wanna spend my day watching some baby drool! What…did you think, "Oh! Sam will love this! Drool is soooo fun!" **

**Its not fun!**

**Frederly, call the hospital and tell them you'll need to stay for…your life. I'm gonna make you hurt in places that don't exist! **

**Hmmm…maybe I will watch Stephanie. To teach you a lesson! I'm the worst babysitter ever. I'm gonna teach Stephanie a few things…**

**We'll run with scissors, play with matches, and take candy from some guy…I don't know his name.**

**Freddie? **

**RUN**

**A/N: Oooh, a cliffy! I hope Freddie is running…**

**I'm thinking of changing Freddie's username. Does anyone have suggestions? I love Fredtech57 but I'd like to make it more Seddie. IDK. What do you guys think? Do you like his name now? **

**Reviews are like a beautiful, greasy dream…wait that's bacon!**


	23. Chapter 21: Babyhitter

**Chapter 21: Babyhitter **

**Sunday, August 28****th**

**10: 19 A.M.**

**From: SamluvzHam**

**To: Fredtech57**

**Subject: Babyhitter **

**Remember when I had to babysit for some kid in my last email? Well, I just wanted to let you know…it didn't go well. At all. Seriously, bad things happened. **

**Amy came to my house while I was eating fried chicken from Fried Everything But Chicken (FEBC). And she told me she likes fried chicken even more than her own parents. So I said "Thanks for sharing" and continued eating my drumstick. **

**So then she sat down at my kitchen table! Like we're friends or something! No one sits at mama's table. I worked hard for that! I earned that table! Mom left it for me in her will…do you know how hard it was, waiting for her to die?**

**I **_**really **_**love my table. It smells like fried chicken and tears. (Sometimes mom watched dumb soap operas while eating. She loved All My Kids)**

**Wait…if I got fried chicken from a place called Fried Everything But Chicken…it wasn't chicken! Well, what was it? Hmmm…now I'm curious. It's probably some gross cow eyeballs or pig liver. Oooh, it's a good thing I stole your wallet! **

**Ha. You didn't even know I stole your wallet, did you? (: I took it last night when Jade was crying. So I made you get up and go comfort her cuz it was your turn. Actually it was my turn but I **_**so **_**don't do the "getting up in the middle of the night to take care of my newborn" thing. That's a woman's job. So I thought of you ;)**

**Anyway, Amy and I started watching Girly Cow (The uncensored version…her mom doesn't have to know! Just don't tell Jade. She cries if she misses an episode. LOL. There was this really funny part when the cow thought she was having a nightmare wearing a sports bra. Yeah…it wasn't a nightmare. She was just crazy. **

**Amy was actually pretty cool. So…now you see why it was awful! She's just so much like me… I actually liked a little kid! Well, I love Jade cuz she's mine. But a random girl? **

**What's happening to me? Oh, God, this is like that Grinch movie! My heart is growing! There's only so much love I can have. Seriously, I married you. I've reached my love limit. I have to stop liking so many people! Do they make an ointment for that?**

**See ya, Frederly. I've gotta go pull off a clown's big red nose and throw it in a lake. That always makes me feel better. Have you ever seen a clown cry? It's hilarious. Wait…I'll go do that right now!**

***Please forgive the long, awkward pause***

**Yo, I'm back! But it didn't work out. I made the clown cry so hard he dropped out of clown college and auditioned for **_**Clown Cillers. **_**I guess it's some movie about psycho clowns that kill random circus folk. LOL. We totally have to see that. People come expecting to laugh and eat cotton candy…but instead get a chainsaw in their neck! YES! Man, I love comedies. But now that clown is gonna be rich and famous! In the words of Ghandi… "I'm gonna make him wish he was never born!" But I bet he already wished that…LOL.**

**-Sam (life-long fried chicken addict) **

**P.S. Ugh, stop asking me what my icky password is! You really don't want to know. You'll have nightmares for the rest of your life. But that's exactly why I'll tell you (:**

**P.P.S What? You thought I was gonna tell you **_**now**_**? Ha! That's no fun. I'm gonna make you wait…and wait…and wait…and kiss me…and wait…**

**Oh, Fredlump. You'll have to wait for my next email to find out XD**

_Sunday, August 28__th_

_11: 35 A.M._

_From: Fredtech57_

_To: SamluvzHam_

_Subject: Re: Babyhitter_

_Ok, first of all…why did you title your email "babyhitter"? Yes, it's very clever and sounds like babysitter…but you never hit Amy. Right? You didn't hit her, did you? Did she try and steal your fried chicken? _

_Never mind. I don't want to hear the details. You did this last month to the chicken delivery guy! FEBC would have banned you for life but you're there best customer._

_My mom makes me watch All My Kids with her every Sunday. Uh…I mean…she used to make me watch it with her. I don't do that anymore…so was that suspicious chicken any good?_

_Anyway, of course it's not chicken! That's actually in the name of the place! I knew a guy who ate FEBC chicken every day for a week once. On Monday he was fine. On Tuesday he was fine. On Wednesday he fine. On Thursday he was fine. On Friday he was fine. On Saturday he was fine. On Sunday he was…still fine. What? I never said it ended badly for him. Now he's the hobo in front of Bushwell Plaza! _

_I totally agree with Amy. I like fried chicken waaaaaaaay more than my mom. But that's cuz I like everything more than my mom. So I guess it doesn't count. Well, don't worry. I've been saving up my allowance! I've got 50 cents. As soon as I've got ten bucks, we'll buy bus tickets and leave her! _

_Um…never mind the bus ticket thing. We really need to stay in Seattle. We can't leave Spencer and Carly! Who else will put up with you when I can't take it anymore? I mean that in the nicest way possible (:_

_BTW have you noticed Carls and Gibby acting weird lately? I saw them whispering in the school hallway, sharing a Blueberry Blitz smoothie at Groovy Smoothie, and Carly took a picture of Gibby in his tinfoil shorts. Now it's her cell phone screen saver! Maybe its nothing…but maybe it's something! _

_What do you think? Could they be secretly in love or just…um…what else could it be? WHOA. Carly loves Gibby? That's so…hey! Suddenly I'm not good enough for her? Not that I mind! I'm totally in love with you. But why did she stop liking me? Is it because I don't shout "FREEEEEEEDIE!" when I walk into a room? _

_Whatever. I've found someone who loves me for my ham :D So Carly and Gibby…Cibby! Why are they trying to hide it? We didn't hide it when we started dating. I blogged to the world about it! And then my mom saw it and pounded my laptop with a mallet. I had to buy a new laptop!_

_I ran out of things to type…so here's a little tech humor before I go:_

_What's the difference between Mickey Mouse and a computer mouse? __A computer mouse doesn't have a tail. _

_LOL! That kills me every time. Are you laughing? Well, are you? Why not? =/_

_Have fun destroying clown dreams. I'll just be mourning the loss of my wallet…_

_-Fredward_

_P.S. I figured you'd make me wait. God, this is gonna drive me crazy! I have to know what the icky password is. I have to! _

**A/N: I like this chapter. I think it's funny so I hope you guys do too. **

**I think I'll make this a Seddie/Cibby story. What do you guys think? Should Carly be with someone else? Maybe I could bring Brad into the story! Is this a good idea?**

**Add a tablespoon of keyboard, a dash of boredom, and a pinch of cinnamon. Mix together and bake for two hours. Now you have an awesome sauce chapter! Serve hot with a side of reviews ;)**


	24. Chapter 22: iBoycott PurpleJerk

**Chapter 2: iBoycott PurpleJerk**

**Thursday, September 15****th**

**12:00 A.M.**

**From: SamluvzHam**

**To: Fredtech57**

**Subject: iBoycott PurpleJerk**

**I'm not going to start this email by saying hi or anything lame. I'm just gonna get right to the point…I broke up with fried chicken! And no, I'm not taking the new medicine. I was getting a lot of crazy side effects. Seriously. I wasn't hungry for a **_**whole hour**_**! **

**Anyway, I'm boycotting fried chicken. Ya know what that means? I'm giving up fried chicken. Not all fried chicken (do you **_**want **_**me to go back to the loony bin?) Just the fried chicken from PurpleJerk's. IDK why they call it that…maybe they have a jerk who paints himself purple? That would totally make me want to buy more fried chicken from that place (:**

**Wanna know why I hate PurpleJerk's chicken? Well, shut up! I know you're yelling "No!" right now. I can **_**hear **_**you. We really need our own place. Your room is right next door! Yeah, that's just how our relationship works. You're afraid of me, and I'm in love with PurpleJerk's chicken. But now that I hate it…I have to find something else to love! Hmmm…anything but **_**you **_**;)**

**I'll tell you anyway. I was at Carly's last night, rehearsing a new segment called Rock N Bowl. Carly pretends to be a bowling pin, and I'm the ball! I came up with it myself! But it didn't work out…we both got bumps on our heads the size of a bowling ball (ha! Did you understand **_**that **_**joke, Fredifer? I'll give you a second cuz I know ur brain is slow).**

**Anyway, after I got home, I stole the leftover turkey from my mom's underwear drawer and fell asleep on her bed. I had a weird dream. You were there! (that makes it more of a nightmare). You were singing this stupid song from a toothpaste commercial:**

_**Are you missing teeth? Do your molars look right? Come down to Bright Smiles, and we'll make your teeth white! **__**La, la, la, la, la, la! **_

**I really hate the la la part. ****Its soooo annoying! And now it's stuck in my head…its all your fault! You let Jade watch TV while you tried to put on a tie for that job interview (you didn't get the job, nub. And what's with men and ties? You're as bad as Spencer). And guess what Jade was watching? Yep. The food channel with Paula Dean! :D Man, that woman makes a mean soufflé. **

**But guess what commercial came on? No, not a promo for season 3 of the Vampire Diaries. Well…yes. But after that! It was that stupid Bright Smiles song! And Jade keeps singing the la la part. She won't shut up! Thank God she's too young to sing the whole song. **

**Um…what was I talking about? I was thinking about soufflé and…I forgot. Was about why I hate PurpleJerk's fried chicken…or about that tall pigmy my mom dated? Hmmm…is that what I was telling you? Well, whatever. I'll tell you the chicken**__**story. **

**So I was asleep on the couch. Then I woke up and wanted more food. So I called PurpleJerk cuz they're really fast! The chicken tastes like mud, but it's fast. So whatev. **

**I know u wanna find out why I hate PJ's…but hold your apple sauce! I have to tell the whole story. I called and ordered from Jonah (Ugh, I dated **_**him**_**? Ha! My ex works at PJ's now) So here's my conversation when I ordered:**

**Me: I want food.**

**Jonah: Great! We sell food here. What can I get you, ma'm?**

**Me: I'll have the…**_**wait. What did you call me?**_

**Jonah: Ma'm…we don't have anything on the menu called Wait What Did You Call Me. How about a PurpleWhopper and Jerk fries?**

**Me: How about you go rub mayonnaise on your raspberries in the moonlight? Jerk! **

**Jonah: Excuse me? Ma'm? Are you there?**

**Me: Just forget it, Jonah! I'll go get food from people who actually **_**don't **_**want to see me!**

**Jonah: Sam, is that **_**you**_**? Sam Puckett? Uh…cuz this is…Jo. Not Jonah. I'm Jo. I've never even had a wedgie. Oh, dang it! **

**Me: This is really sad. I'm going to Inside-Out-Burger. **

**Jonah: Shut up, old lady! (he was yelling at an old woman in the car in front of me) I didn't forget! The straw is in the bag!**

**Yeah…so I just drove off to Inside-Out-Burger. But I didn't have money…so I'm not gonna tell you **_**that **_**story. You'd issue a restraining order against me. But it's really funny and illegal. And it involves a purple teddy bear and a glass of orange juice. Aren't you dying to know what happens? Too bad! :D**

**Wow, that was a long story. But now you know why I will never go back to PurpleJerk. Not ever. I'm serious. **

**Oh my God, PurpleJerk is having a special! Buy one PurpleWhopper, get a free straw! I'm going there right now! I know I said I'd never go back…but free straws! (:**

**-You Know Who This Is**

Saturday, September 17th

11:25 A.M.

From: Fredtech57

To: SamluvzHam

Subject: Re: iBoycott PurpleJerk

_Wow, that was one strange email. Isn't it funny how we started this whole email thing cuz U had therapy from Google guy? You told me not to reply, but I did. And ever since...we email. IDK why I'm typing this. I just think we've come a long way. _

_You look so cute on your laptop. Well, it's actually my laptop. And you're getting grease all over the keyboard! GAH! I really love a clean computer. *sigh*_

_We really do need our own place. My mom still makes me sleep on the couch! Seriously, doesn't she know we slept together already? How does she think you got pregnant? We should go house hunting. And yeah, I know that means I'll be looking at houses while you eat on a couch we don't own. (:_

_I knew you'd never be able to give up fried chicken forev. But you did it for…a day? Wow, you broke that chicken's fragile, greasy heart. ): _

_Seriously, Jonah works at PurpleJerk's now? Ha! I can't believe I ever wanted that guy to like you. But that is hilarious. Thx for telling me. I'll have to sneak out to PJ's soon. My mom doesn't let me go there cuz she thinks the chicken is full of *unchicken* things. She's probably right. I once found a hairball in my Jerk fries. A hairball! _

_What happened at Inside-Out-Burger? Do I really want to know? I'm very curious…but curiosity killed the cat. Whoa…cat…hairball….omg it was a cat drumstick! Well, it tasted better than the chicken. Maybe you shouldn't tell me your illegal story. YET. Save that for another email ;)_

_Yeah, remember when you said "I'll never go back to PurpleJerk. Ever." Well, that only lasted a second before you were running back over there for chicken and straws! Straws? Really? Girls are so crazy. You would never see a guy get excited about straws. _

_So did you bring me a straw too? Not that I care. No way. I don't care. I'm just wondering. I'm doing a…project. On straws. A straw project. So did you bring me a straw?_

_-Freddie B. (The guy who doesn't care about straws)_

_P.S. so seriously, get me a straw (:_

_P.P.S Um…the straw is for Jade. She really wants 1. It's not for me. It's for Jade. Just so ya know. _

**A/N: It's been a while since I updated this story (: **

**I got the name PurpleJerk from a writer on fanfic called PurpleJerk. Everyone read the story **_**Hello, I'm**__**still here**_**! It's really good! That story made me die of laughter. Good job, PurpleJerk!**

**Happy Birthday to me, happy birthday to me…review! I seriously am a year older today so review! U know U can't resist. You are typing a review right now. You are sending it. You are happy you reviewed. Now you are hungry. Go get some chicken. Just make sure there's no hairball in it. (:**


	25. Random Quiz 2

**Random Quiz 2**

**A/N: Time for another quiz you weren't expecting! This time you'll find out what iCarly segment you'd be if you weren't already a living, breathing person! (Warning: people who aren't living or breathing should not take this quiz) XD**

**1. OMG, my parents are driving me craaaazy! I can't live with them! College can't come soon enough! But since you're not old enough to live on your own yet, what summer camp will you be at this summer? (Tip: tell your parents the camp doesn't allow cell phones)**** XD**

**A. I'm not really the camping type. I'd rather stay home and drink tea!**

**B. I don't care what kind…as long as I can tell ghost stories around the campfire! Have you heard the one about **_**the lotion**_**? It was banned in the U.S. and Canada! **

**C. A dance camp! Hip hop, jazz, ballet…I love it all! Just give me a beat and I can't control my feet! (Warning: this quiz is not responsible for anything your feet might do)**

**2. Halloween is just a month away! Have you decided what you're going trick-or-treating as? I can hear you people saying "we're too old!" Well, stop yelling at your computer screen and answer the question!**

**A. Big Ben! I love clocks…and watches…and time…I'm obsessed! (Yes. Yes you are)**

**B. Something totally scary like…a bunny! Those things creep me out. What's with all the carrots? WHY DO THEY NEED GOOD EYESIGHT? **

**C. I've already got my costume. I'm just gonna wear my dance shoes and leotard XD**

**3. Ever heard the saying "You are what you eat?" What are YOU? Oh, come on…tell me! I promise I'll keep your secret. I won't tell anyone! I'll just tell my computer…as I post it on SplashFace. ****(:**

**A. I 3 fish and chips sooooo much! I'm eating fish and chips right now! Oh, and pretending I have a British accent too. Tea just makes me do the craziest things! ;) (You definitely are crazy. Chips are just fries, you psycho!)**

**B. Um…I like scary stuff. But I eat hamburgers all the time! OMG! Is there something wrong with me? Oh. Wait. Hamburgers **_**are **_**scary. Oh, thank goodness. I was worried for a second there. XD**

**C. I'm a dancer…so I eat dance? Whoa…that's like eating myself! Oh…my head hurts. Darn this confusing quiz! But I'm gonna finish it cuz it's so hilarious (Awww, thanks!)**

**4. It's Random Day at school (just pretend like you understand this question) and you're supposed to wear crazy clothes! What do you pull out of your closet? *Sigh* Ok, fine. (Your neighbor's closet. There. Happy now?)**

**A. A hoodie with a picture of the British flag on the back. Go England! **

**B. A bra OVER my shirt! Yeah, that's right! I'm original! Wait…what do you mean "everyone else is doing that?" Noooo! Well, whatever. I'm still gonna do it. You'll see. **_**You'll all see!**_

**C. I'll wear my dance shoes and leotard **_**again**_**! What? It's not **_**that **_**weird…is it? IS It? Why are you laughing and moving on to the next question! Come back and answer meeeeee! ):**

**5. What's your favorite game (besides Spin the Bottle)**** ;)**

**A. London Bridges Falling Down! **

**B. Using my Ouija board to contact dead people! Duh! Hey granddad…how's the afterlife? Um…I know you're dead any stuff…so I'm not mad. But you forgot to send me a check for my birthday. Just saying.**

**C. Dance Dance Revolution is the best thing ever invented (: I could play it all day.**

**6. Your favorite show is about to come TV. What is it? Hurry and answer before the lotion screams your name! HURRY!**

**A. House of Anubis! It's full of British people…man, I could listen to their accents all day XD **

**B. Truth or Scare of course. It's just so…scary!**

**C. Dancing With The Stars is my favorite. All those partners dancing…dance…purple…dance…I just love it! **

**If you answered mostly A's…you are Pathetic Plays: The Englishman Who Was A Terrible Father To His Two Children, Fuffly and Peeta. You're obsessed with all things British! Let's hope you don't become like the terrible Englishman who was…well, that's a long title. I don't feel like typing it again.**

**If you answered mostly B's…you are the Bra Who Tells Ghost Stories! You're definition of "scary" might be different from others…but you'll never give up trying to make people scream and change their pants. **

**If you answered mostly C's…you are Random Dancing! Good for you, being one of the most popular segments on iCarly! You overachiever! Isn't random awesome? Everyone should be random! Random jumping…random murdering…random sleeping…wait. Not random sleeping. That wouldn't be a good idea if you were driving…**


	26. Chapter 23: Fruit Ninja Salad

**Chapter 23: Fruit Ninja Salad**

**Mon. June 25****th**

**1:48 P.M.**

**From: SamluvzHam**

**To: Fredtech57**

**Subject: Fruit ninja salad**

**Yo-dee-yo! Wazzup, Fredface? I know you're in the middle of an "important" AV club meeting *snickers* but…I'm bored. And causing you pain has always been an excellent source of entertainment. Ever heard the phrase "sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me"? Really? Words can't hurt?**

**Whoever came up with that has obviously never met **_**me. **_**;)**

**So after giving Frothy his weekly bath (he lost fur in some places, but at least he's squeaky clean now!) I worked up an appetite. Actually, I get hungry even when I'm doing nothing. Whatever. But all we had in our fridge was a half-empty can of a strawberry-flavored Mexican beverage that may or may not be illegal. And past its expiration date.**

**I drank it anyway…**

**Then I stole five bucks from my mom's new boyfriend when he wasn't looking. Well…he was actually unconscious at the time…because I hit him over the head with my butter sock. But before you judge me, I only took five dollars from him. And the butter was fresh! **

**So where does a hungry blonde go for food? If you're me, you go to the Groovy Smoothie or Canada. But there's a warrant out for my arrest in Canada, so I went to the GM. Plus, Canadians live in Canada…those people really dance randomly on my nerves. The only good thing they've got going for them is the maple syrup and the fancy sliced ham. **

**So I went to the Groovy Smoothie and ordered a large mixed berry smoothie. But T-Bo brought me a cup full of **_**unblended **_**fruit! It was a fruit salad in a cup! And I hate fruit unless it's a smoothie. It's a ninja thing.**

**Yeah, that's right…I'm an awesomesauce ninja. My high score on Fruit Ninja is a thousand! I'm working on getting up to a thousand and one cuz odd numbers scare people more than even numbers. **

**For example: If I told you I could kill you with a paper clip ten ways you'd be scared. But if I told you I could kill you **_**eleven **_**ways with a paper clip, you would be hiring a bodyguard to protect you right now. **

**Anyway…do you ever wonder why ninjas hate fruit so much? What, did the fruit question their ninja honor? **

**Wow, did I actually type that? Maybe I'm getting too obsessed with this game. I may have to join fruit ninja anonymous (FNA) I did that after I shot that Rabbi while playing Assassin with Spencer. Do you see me carrying a paintball gun anymore? No! (That's cuz it's hidden somewhere you'll never find it) :D**

**I don't really see anything wrong with loving to slice virtual fruit. It's a useful life skill! Today Carly asked me to help her chop up some bananas for a pie she was baking and I sliced three whole bananas in three seconds! Carly was so impressed, she let me eat the whole pie. JK. I grabbed it out of the oven when she went to put out a fire Spencer started (that was one unhappy raccon) and ran out of her loft. I only wish I had used oven mitts. That's gonna hurt in the morning…**

**I'm gonna go abuse some innocent fruit now. Later!**

**-Sam **

**P.S. Maybe the real reason ninjas hate fruit is because of **_**you. **_**:/**

_Mon. June 25__th_

_2:36 P.M._

_From: Fredtech57_

_To: SamluvzHam_

_Subject: Re: Fruit Ninja Salad_

_Well, that was a…bizarre…email. But it's nice that you took the time to stop playing fruit ninja on your pearpad and emailed me. Even if I _was _in the middle of my AV club meeting. And it _was _important! We talked about…uh…nothing. _

_How can words physically hurt a person? Maybe that's not the question I should be asking. Okay…how much do words hurt? As much as your butter sock? Cuz if so, I'm gonna need a divorce. And a restraining order. _

_BTW the reason we only have illegal expired Mexican beverages in our fridge is because you ate all the other food! Seriously, if I had put Jade in the freezer, I bet you would have eaten her too. But about that Mexican beverage…how did that even get in there? Where did it come from? And try to look on the bright side. It's not half-empty…it's half-full! *sigh* Yeah, I know that was lame. I'll be expecting the butter sock when I get back. Also, why do the Canadians want to arrest you? What happened in Canada? Do I even want to know? Or would you have to kill me? _

_I've never heard of the game fruit ninja. Sounds fun. Slicing virtual fruit, huh? I'll download it on my pearpad and check it out. I don't like fruit either. Guess that makes me a ninja too. _

_And I know you're mad at me when I got that job at the pear store. Sorry for freaking out just because you were better at it than me. I was just jealous. Technology is kind of my thing…like eating and beating people up is your thing. Don't worry, I'm over it now. You looked really cute in that red employee shirt, btw. (: But you look even better with it off…_

_Anyway, you're probably still mad because I gave pears to everyone but you. But it's only because I knew you were a ninja. And ninjas hate fruit! I wasn't ignoring you, I swear. If you really want a pair, I'll buy you one! I'll buy you twenty! Or a hundred! I'll even get you your own little personal bag of pears!_

_-Freddie _

**A/N: I recently discovered the awesome game Fruit Ninja! I play it all the time on my iPad. If you haven't ever played it, check it out! It's free. So I just had to write seddie fanfic about it, of course. **

**I really loved iPear Store because the end was SO seddie, but I hated when Freddie walked in and gave pears to Gibby, Carly, and Spencer…but not Sam. He didn't even look at her! It was like she didn't deserve a pear. Did anyone else notice that?**

**This was my way of resolving that little conflict. Now I don't feel so angry at Freddie. **


End file.
